


Banana Bread

by overlyfandomobsessed



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Brief Mentions of Blood, Brief mentions of gore, Chuu is a blind composer, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Fluff, Happy Ending, Modern AU, Yves is a musical actress, also mentions of members from other groups i.e. jeongyeon from twice, brief lipves but it doesn't affect chuuves, light/moderate angst, oh also slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26942419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overlyfandomobsessed/pseuds/overlyfandomobsessed
Summary: An entitled musical actress Yves gets fired from her latest acting job, because of her attitude. For a long time, Yves can't get any jobs until one producer (Kim Lip) offers her a lead role in a historical play. She accepts it for the money, and then meets blind composer/pianist Chuu, who is lovely to everyone (apart from her) and they quickly learn to dislike one another.But then! An ultimatem is given by Kim Lip: if they can't get along, Yves will be fired.Will they both learn to finally get over themselves?With these two, who knows.
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Kim Jiwoo | Chuu, Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip
Comments: 5
Kudos: 68
Collections: Girl Crush Fic Exchange





	1. The beginning and the end

**Author's Note:**

> This is a quite a long one, so if you're into slowburns, strap yourselves in. I hope you enjoy!!!

It was only Saturday morning, and the sound of heavy construction work had already begun, successfully drilling into her head. Driving her earbuds as far down into her ears as possible, she threw her duvet over herself.

To be honest, the past few months had been eating away at her. She'd fallen into old habits, gnawing away at her nails. It was funny because Sooyoung hated when people bit their nails, chewing away like dumb struck donkeys - like maybe their grim fingers would point to some sort of direction in their aimless lives. And yes, she knew that meant her too. Go figure. 

Before long, she was ruminating in her own thoughts, and the construction workers would not stop yelling from their ladders, so she got up to make some coffee. The weary machine spurted to life, only to wheeze its last dying breath. 

"Come on man," she prodded it, "so dramatic." 

"Good morning?" 

Surprised to see Sooyoung awake, Haseul shuffled around the kitchen in her high-rise black trousers, buttoning her striped dress shirt. Sooyoung thought the outfit brought out the steel in her eyes - affirming her position as Seoul's most self-assured businesswoman. 

"The idiots won't shut up." she explained.

"Ah." 

Sooyoung drummed her fingers on her cup, "I mean it's seven thirty and they're already hollering at every girl that passes by, it's ridiculous."

"Can you pass me the kimchi? The one in the cupboard." 

"Right." 

"I'm listening," she eyed the kimchi intently, "the builders are dickheads and exhibit gross behaviour whenever they can. I get you." 

"Yeah." She handed her the jar with ease because Haseul was too small and elf-like to reach the cupboard; her girlfriend was even tinier. 

"Thanks," she replied, oiling the frying pan, "how's work?"

Straight and to the point. No beating around the bush with Jo Haseul. 

"You idiot, the oil is going to get onto your shirt." 

"Ah, it's fine." 

Sooyoung's eyes practically bulged out of her head. "Are you serious? What is that, Yves Saint Laurent?" 

Smirking, she carried on cooking carelessly, "You would know, wouldn't you?" 

On instinct, she cringed. Picture Sooyoung experimenting with bangs; repressed sexuality and a painfully awkward demeanour thrown headfirst into modelling. "I hate you." 

"Love you too." 

"No seriously, I hate you." 

"And I love you very, very much." 

Endearingly, Haseul pat her head, admiring her long, wavy hair. Sooyoung grumbled. 

"Seriously, how's work though?" she asked for the second time, injecting a bit of sensitivity into her tone.

"It's…" she struggled to compute, "okay." 

"You don't sound so sure." 

"It's okay." 

Haseul took a deep breath. 

"Sooyoungie! Tell me please," she was pouting shamelessly, "how is work!"

"Don't you dare." 

"Please tell me!" Haseul was saddling up to her, throwing her cursed finger hearts- 

"Okay! Okay! Fuck. Work, well. Where do I start?" 

Instantly, she was brought back to Friday and the dispute that had escalated into a full blown warzone - faces red; swearing and sweating, until she was hoarse and shaky. 

"I'm in a fight with Jaden over my part in the musical." 

"Please don't tell me you mean the executive director Jaden."

"I do." 

A pause. 

"You need to try not to get fired, you know." Haseul spoke, adopting her serious voice, a nice mix of stern and concern.

"Of course I'm not trying to get fired, you know that." she replied blankly. A silence cloaked them; the sound of kimchi frying amplified. 

Before the words were rolling out of her mouth. "Listen, he's just so incredibly misogynistic and his vision," she rolled her eyes, "vision! Is a pile of shit. He wants to make me this stupid, ditzy girl who's trying to stop her husband from fucking with the space-time continuum, as if I give a shit. And not to mention," her coffee was perilously on the edge of spilling, "it's an original,  _ post _ - _ modernist _ play, which means everything is a mess and meaning is hard to find in my lines and-" 

"Hey, hey - what's post-modernism again?" 

"Um," Sooyoung was trying to think, "nothing has meaning basically. Yeah it's not meant to, and I know what you're doing." 

"Is it working?" 

"Yeah," she put her coffee down, "sorry, I didn't realise I was still pissed." Guiltily, Sooyoung glanced at her friend's bedroom, hoping she hadn't woken Kahei up. 

Not a second later, and Wong Kahei strolled through the door in her pastel pink, silk robe, unperturbed. 

"Hey guys." she stretched, gravitating towards Haseul. 

Feeling like an intruder as Kahei undid the top button on her girlfriend's shirt, something about her looking more 'relaxed', she turned away and set the table. Something about couples made her skin crawl. Okay, maybe not make her skin crawl, (Haseul and Kahei were really sweet) but she couldn't imagine being committed to one person for such a long time. 

When they sat down to eat, the dust seemed to have settled. Sooyoung thanked Haseul and ate ravenously. She didn't realise that bossam kimchi packed with salted cabbage and ginseng salad had given her the will to live but she was grateful nonetheless. 

The rest of the morning sort of went past in a blur - Sooyoung chatted with them about dramas they both loved (her personal favourite being Itaewon class, Kahei's strong woman do-bong soon; Haseul's Hotel Del Luna); she got onto the metro (which was basically three stops of glaring at men who leered at her in her halter top) and before she knew it, she was entering Blockberry theatre. 

"Sooyoung!" Jeongyeon called, clad in a black sleeveless top and beige shorts. She even had dad sandals. 

"Yeah?" Usually, she preferred to work alone, but it was only Jeongyeon with her boxy smile. 

"Well done for not getting kicked out." she commented. 

Grinning for the first time that morning, she told her what she'd been mulling over.

"I might quit." 

Her jaw dropped. 

Shrugging, Sooyong continued. "Jaden's a piece of shit." 

"Huh." 

The girl was pondering, a note of concern in her voice. "He's really well-respected, what if he blacklists you?" 

"Well…" she hadn't thought about  _ that _ , "he can't blacklist me from every theatre." 

"Yeah but still. What if he tries to blacklist you from the prestigious ones - like ...Charlotte or Sejeng theatre?"

Waving away her worries, she answered. "I can get another lead role, it'll be fine." Sooyoung had always gotten jobs, juggling herself from theatre to theatre with ease; Jeongyeon was just too worried for her own good. 

"I think I'm just sick of him, aren't you? I mean, what's your character - some kind of girl with a fucked up eye?" 

"Odd eye." she replied.

Sooyoung had to laugh at that - she couldn't believe Jaden, with his greasy blackthorne hair and pig sty nose, thought he was a pioneer of theatre by doing something 'original'. He wasn't Chehkov or Arthur Miller - just some deluded fucker who got off on being controlling. 

"Don't laugh at me." Jeongyeon snapped her out of her trance. 

"Oh? I wasn't." 

"Were you laughing at the wall behind me then?" she stated sardonically. Sooyoung could read people pretty well, so she knew the daggers shooting from her eyes meant she was...pissed. A part of her wanted to roll her eyes.

"No, I just started thinking of Jaden's bullshit."

Coolly, she glared at her. "You know, I actually like his creativity." 

"Good for you." she nodded, tepid. Sooyoung guessed it'd be easier to leave now that she'd pissed off the one good acquaintance she had. 

Before Jeongyeon's scowl could reach her eyes, the man of the day sounded his megaphone. 

"Places everyone!" 

Filing backstage, all twenty one of them skimmed over their lines - her partner in the play (a guy called Daehwi) running them over with her. 

Thirty seconds before they went on, coiled anticipation making her jittery, she cleared her mind. 

They were on! 

"Darling, I have to go. The mobiüs strip awaits me." 

"Don't go." she pleaded. With all of her heart.

"Listen," he sat her down, the night sky swallowing them whole, "if everything goes well, there will be a mirror image of me. Right here, in Eden." 

Tears were welling up in her eyes, and she brushed them away with the back of her hand.

Lightheaded, she stumbled to the end of the spaceship; he was tracing her footsteps. 

"It's not you though," she grit her teeth, "it won't ever be the same." 

"Quiet, darling," he cleared his throat, "I know goodbyes can make women feverish but I pray, don't fret." He moved to stroke her hair, and she let herself smirk as he pulled away. 

"I am Yves of Eden, this place," her voice wavered, "is all I've ever known. Don't-" 

A piercing screech cut them off.

"No no no!" 

The night sky, in all of its splendour, was once again a dimly painted set.

"Repeat your lines again, from 'but I pray, don't fret'." he commanded coldly. 

She stepped back into position. "I am Yves of Eden, this place-" 

"No!" he shouted again and she crossed her arms.

A stand-off ensued. Jaden was gripping his megaphone, releasing it, then back to gripping it like a coping mechanism. Weaselly face fixated on hers, she refused to cower, taking a step forward. 

"Yves of Eden is not as two-dimensional as you make her," she forced her anger to simmer, "she is spiteful, vindictive, cut-throat - whatever you want to call it." Out of the corner of her eye, she could make out Jeongyeon amongst others gaping like a shoal of fish. 

"But I'm not okay with her being this pathetic bawling character who waits around for her husband for the whole play like a sitting duck." 

Silence.

The silence would've been suffocating if it weren't for the clack of his boots, storming up the stage. 

Sooyoung had been in enough confrontations to know she had to act quickly.

"Well?" she dared. 

She'd injured his pride - chipped away at him with every jab. He'd hit her if he could. 

"Who's the director?" Jaden uttered, megaphone in hand.

Standing two metres away, was Daehwi whose panic was scrawled over his arse-kissing face. 

"You, Mr Jeong." 

"Who's the director?" The golden question thrust at Sooyoung.

_ Fear cuts deeper than words. _

"She is angry, and her anger deserved to be expressed-" 

"Who's the director?"

" _ Because _ she's Yves of Eden, and has been abandoned-"

His deep set frown was causing all of his oily pimples to converge in between his thin brows. But beneath her thinly-veiled defiance was fear, and her heart was beating uncomfortably fast. Forcing pinpricks of nausea down, she stared right at him.

"Who's the director?" 

"Listen to me," blush crept up her neck, goosebumps, "how backwards is this play, when the female lead - who's  _ me _ by the way -" she snarled, "can't do anything but mope around?" 

"Who's the director?" 

She was scathing now, stuttering, but his expression mirrored hers. "Your writing is a joke," she aimed, "this shit- this shit, I could make better use of this script using it for toilet paper!"

"Shut up now, or you'll never have another chance at a career!" Short and final like the cracking of a whip.

"Who do you think you are? Meryl Streep? Demanding for the script to change? I see deluded, and I see it right in front of me." He spat out belligerently before drawing in a breath.

"And now I ask you, Ha Sooyoung,  _ who's the director _ ?"

Her state of mind was resting on a foothold and if it wasn't for her the tears that threatened to fuck her over, she would've seen her career flash past her in an instant.

She had to make a choice.

"Fuck you."

For a split second, she relished in his astonishment. 

At least until he sized her up, a snake getting ready to devour its prey. 

"Get out, you waste of time." 

And so head held as high as she could, she did.


	2. The gayest coincidences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :) There are mentions of alcohol in this chapter and getting drunk so alcohol tw  
> I hope you enjoy!1!1

Sooyoung liked her emerald necklace. She liked the way it accentuated her neckline and how attractive women splayed it in their hands before pulling her closer. Humming, she slipped into her black mini-dress with the lacy see-through sleeves before pouring herself a shot into her mug.  _ Keep Smiling,  _ it read out.

For a while, she stared through the window, chest warm. Cars running circles around roundabouts. The busy too busy to give a shit. A woman begging on the street. 

It was all so clear to see from the dizzying heights of the tenth floor. 

"Enjoy it while it lasts." she smiled to herself; downing the rest.

Lately, Haseul was tip-toeing around with Vivi to hide the truth from her. She wanted to tell them it was okay, but the words died on her lips.

Sooyoung cringed. Already she was getting quote on quote "so deep" as Doyeon had called it whenever she drank. Speaking of Doyeon, she had to leave. 

The air was deceptively cold - nipping at her leather jacket like a son of a bitch. 

"Fuck," Doyeon shivered, "it's freezing." 

"Oh my god why didn't you wear a jacket?" Sooyoung rolled her eyes, joining her. Toned, honey-coloured body shaking like a leaf, she thought of linking their arms together, but decided against it. 

"Oh fuck you." she laughed, shying away from the harsh lights of 7/11.

Sooyoung shrugged. "That's what you get for wearing a boob tube." 

Slapping her arm, she ranted, "It's a bandeau top actually. French." a flick of the wrist , "You wouldn't know."

It would've been a perfect time to mention that she'd previously modelled for Yves Saint Laurent, but she'd never live it down either way. 

"Whatever boob tube." 

Walking briskly, they made it onto the bustling high street, overhead lights strung together by lampposts, connected to dimly lit bars. Maybe she'd catch Haseul and Vivi somewhere later. 

The people just kept coming, dressed from head to toe in the weirdest shit she'd seen all day; Doyeon pointed out every person in a neon jumpsuit they passed. 

"Where's Chaeyeon again?" Her teeth chattered as she coolly linked arms with the taller girl. There were people singing trot songs, frozen in mesh tops and skirts. 

"She's always late," her heels clacked (towering over Sooyoung easily), "I sent her our location." 

"Okay." Reaching for the mini bottle of vodka inside her leather jacket, she downed another shot to pass the time. 

"You want one?" she asked. 

She shook her head, the wind messing up her meticulous bangs. "Let's go to the bar. Chaeyeon will find us." And so pushing past barrages of people, some of them swaying, they reached Hongdae's three star, critically acclaimed bar. 

"I thought it'd look gayer?" She'd expected there to be rainbows plastered all over the walls.

"Nah, it's more lowkey, I like it better this way." Doyeon answered. 

"Hey!"

Catching her off guard was Chaeyeon, donning a cropped bomber jacket (it hung over one shoulder); a dark spaghetti strap type blouse and a black and red tartan skirt. Her hair was done up into a top-bun which was adorned with starry pins, coupled with a bright smile. 

"I like your hair." Sooyoung pointed out. 

"Thankyou," she smiled warmly, "I like your jacket." 

Greeting Chaeyeon, Doyeon pulled them into the short queue. Two minutes later and they were admitted. 

"Just a quick question, this bar is gay-friendly and not gay, right?" Chaeyeon asked, a hint of panic in her eyes. They both laughed. 

For a while, they hung around the warm bar, quenching their appetite with strawberry mojitos. Doyeon filled them in on her problematic boss at work, crystalline sugar lining her lips. They all talked and talked until Sooyoung felt a little bit cross-eyed. Stumbling off was the ever graceful Kim Doyeon, swearing at them before she slid onto the dance floor. 

At some point, she started giggling whilst Chaeyeon was trying to pry something out of her.

"I loved the last dance cover you did, doom dada by TOP." 

The younger woman's voice was slightly far away, tinny over the sound of a song she recognised. 

"Is that troublemaker? Geez, this song is so overplayed!" 

Chaeyeon laughed. "How much do you want to bet ko ko bop will be next?" 

"I'll lose all my money." For some reason the words didn't dissipate - instead lodging in her throat like a bad pill.

"Anyway. When's your next dance cover?" Tipping her head back from the laughter that bubbled up inside her, she shook her head at innocent Chaeyeon.

"Are you not doing another one?" 

"Let's dance." Sooyoung pulled her up.

"Later, let's get something else." 

She waggled her finger at her, and stood up straight, "No no no. My dear friend," she grinned, "'M finding Doyeon." 

The dance floor was alive and pulsating, everyone mushed together into one living entity. Rainbows, (there they were!), sparkly makeup and powder swirling in the air, boys and girls and everyone kissing and yelling over the roar of the music - this was her scene. Ugly and sweaty but she liked it. 

About to give up and dance with the pretty woman who complimented her earlier, she spotted someone else - the most breathtaking person she had ever seen. She resembled a statue, so dignified in the muggy air, like she belonged to the Joseon Dynasty. 

More music. Sooyoung couldn't see her! But she knew she was attractive because of her blonde hair. It was incomprehensibly beautiful - the way it was so effortlessly tied in a bun. Was she wearing fishnets? She wanted to find out. 

"Hey." Sooyoung smiled, cheekily. She was still giggling in her head. 

"Hey." The other girl replied, putting her phone away. Up close, Sooyoung used all of her acting skills not to lose her mind over her. She had a narrow, angular face that contrasted with owlish eyes, romantic even. Flirtatious when they started narrowing at her. Sooyoung could read people pretty well which meant that- 

"Wanna dance with me?" 

Sooyoung blinked, and she was dancing with a stunning woman with crimson red lipstick. They didn't face each other, but the other woman was audaciously close. Daring Sooyoung to close the gap between them with every stroke of her arm. They danced together until her feet hurt, baby touches, but it wasn't enough. 

Facing her, she smirked. "You're a damn good dancer." The other woman lit up. Her blush almost as red as her skirt. 

Naturally, she coiled her arms around Sooyoung, and she shivered. The feeling was intoxicating, running through her achingly slow but never fast enough. Soon enough, she didn't recognise the song anymore. 

"Hey." Their noses were almost touching.

"Hey." Slowly, the other woman brushed her hair behind her ear, urging her closer. 

Sooyoung giggled. "Look at me. My ear's not that interesting." 

"I just like it." 

"Okay." Not a moment later, and Sooyoung leaned in, cupping her face. She was grinning as they kissed. 

Kissing was nice. She'd almost forgotten the feeling. Her painted hands were on her neck, guiding her somewhere. Happily, she was following along happily. Sooyoung was relaxed, taking the time to pull apart and trace her lips with her thumb. Gazing at her. She was wearing fishnets. 

Somehow they were entangled, Sooyoung on her lap, like stupid teenagers. The other woman was smiling into the crook of her neck, giggling and pretty all over. Not just her lips - cupid's bow - that she wanted to bite. But her slender waist and red dress, with the fishnets she was drawn to touching, unfurling.

Staring. Sooyoung was fucking staring, and when she returned her stare, she was being scrubbed raw. She was doing God's work just by gazing at Sooyoung.

"Take picture, it'll last longer." she grinned. 

Pulling her in by the back of her nape, the girl smiled, "So will this." 

…and she surprised Sooyoung by kissing her forehead, then one kiss on the bridge of her nose. Then lips. She loved their pace, knees digging into her waist. It wasn't her fault that she was kissing instead of doing work! What could she do? 

"You have to go home?" They were back on the small stool, and Sooyoung was swinging her feet so hard she kicked her. 

"Ow," she whined, locking their legs together, "yes." 

"Why?" 

"Stop shaking me! Aish!" 

"Sorry." Letting go of her sinewy arms, she stared at her face.

"Work. Yeah work. Need to go." Sooyoung frowned. "Can't you sleep in?" 

Groaning, she slammed her head on the table. "I start at 7:30." 

"Hm?" Her lipstick was smudged, completely. She could feel herself growing smug. 

"Yeah, I don't know  _ why  _ I'm choosing to do this." 

She kissed her arm and the other woman hid her face. She did it again because she was so cute. 

"I hate producing…" she pouted. 

"Poducing? Like vegetables?" 

Shrieking in laughter, she sat up in her seat. 

"What’s funny? Do you not sell vegetables?"  _ Don't ask me back,  _ she thought.

"I'm the executive producer for...fuck. Plays! Plays." 

Her heart lurched in her chest. Just the thought of theatre was setting her fucking alight. 

"Like theatre?" She was trying to stay cool. 

"Yeah. I work for the Polaris theatre, 'n Itaewon. In Itaewon." Sooyoung nodded, almost too keen. Her body was tingling.

"The director is being so annoying with timing," she let her talk, "he's not giving us money to advertise. No money means no actors." 

"When d'yu need them for?" 

"The actors?" 

"Yeah." 

"Next Thursday. Agh, we haven't found a fucking...actor for the lead role. Don't remind me!" 

Cowering, she changed the subject, "What's your job?" 

"I can act." 

"Huh?" 

The opportunity was sitting there, right in front of her. "I'm an actress. Musical theatre. When can I," she gesticulated, "audition?" Her mouth was fucking dry - she sipped on her tequila. 

"Are you serious?" 

"Yes." 

"Fuck!" she high-fived her. Then her pretty face turned neutral. "Prove it." 

She frowned. "I can show you my instagram acc-count." For the first time she realised the bar was spinning. 

"No," a cat's smirk, "cry. If you cry you can audition." 

"What? That's cliche! Emotion doesn't need to have crying!" 

"Which is more 'mpressive though? Cry." She was so sadistic.

"Thirty seconds. Go." 

"Fuck, you serious?" 

"Yep."

"Okay…"

Trying her hardest to grasp onto a thought, the fuzzy feeling of...disappointment. In herself. She'd worn herself out crying. For ages. 

She closed her eyes, slipping into disappointment. Dingy. Ugly and fleshed out, hacked off from the rest of her like an irregular heartbeat.

Never being able to act again. Spending her hours waitressing with that fucking girl - Heejin and Hyunjin. Parents being proven right, their righteous faces stinging. 

Stinging her eyes as she started to cry, choking on her tears. 

"Fuck…" She was openly sobbing, shoulders wracked with tension. She'd been a disappointment for so long. 

"Okay. Hey hey. Okay." Tears streamed down her face, ugly. 

"Okay," She said a little more firmly, "come tomorrow with a monologue. Hey don't cry…no…" 

Wiping her face with the back of her sleeve(?), she smiled. The hardest she had in a while. 

"Yay!" Sooyoung laughed, tears in the corners of her eyes.

After that, she was submerged in darkness, watching the woman drive off in a black taxi. Sooyoung watched her dumbly as she started singing. 

"Fame! I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna learn how to fly ~" 

Someone shook her shoulder and she immediately punched, stumbled, ran. "Hey!" Nails dug into her jacket. The bar was ages away.

"Where the fuck were you? Sooyoung! Answer!" 

"I can't…...see." 

She slapped the vision back into her. "Hm. Doyeon?" 

"God, let's go home." 

"Chaeyeon?" 

"She left hours ago to go back to her dorm." 

"Okay." Inspecting Doyeon whose eyebrows were furrowed, she cackled at the hickeys dotted around her neck.

"Don't leave me, you idiot." 

"Okay~" 

Wrapping her arms around her like a koala, they finally went home. 


	3. The composer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, guys gals and non binary pals, the moment you've all been waiting for

"I-I'm sorry. I can't. Shit." 

"It's okay, take your time." 

Streaming in through the window was daylight, incessant and blinding through the waiting room. Sooyoung picked at her nails, hissing as she carefully undoed all of the work she'd poured into giving herself a manicure. 

"Okay." A pregnant pause. "fuck. I just-" 

"Why don't you start from the first line?" Sooyoung wished she had less time on her hands.

The problem was the casting directors were too kind, too willing to wait and ponder, whilst idiots with question marks on their foreheads dragged out their time in the audition room. She genuinely didn't know why they tried. Maybe she sang?

"Okay," the girl cleared her throat.

Striding in with ease, was the main producer. "I'll take it from here. Thank you." Calmly, she gestured towards the door and the girl left. Sooyoung sighed, relieved.

"Who's next?" She sat down next to the other directors, guise neutral, coffee in hand. Taking the liberty of assessing her: her fitted black blazer exaggerating her sharply sloped shoulders; a pencil skirt of the same colour; a high blonde ponytail - Sooyoung decided she liked her. 

Of course she knew her. 

That morning she'd woken up with a name scrawled on her hand - @polaristheatre - and a winky face. Utterly drained, she had to stitch together her what the fuck had happened the night before. Somehow, out of sheer luck, she'd landed herself an audition. 

When the owlish-eyed lady strode into the converted office room, the memories had hit her like a truck.

"Ha Sooyoung?" she called, eyes trained on the sheet in front of her.

"Yes. I'm here to perform Act 3 Scene 5 of Macbeth - Lady's Macbeth's soliloquy." 

"Good luck." 

Silence. Concerns, judgement, people melted away, sinking into crevices and parapets and stone mounted walls. Possibilities glinted in the darkness, the outline of her dagger sharpening. 

She wanted to be the best. She couldn't give up, it was that simple. Sooyoung would do anything. 

Head swimming, Jaden Jeong's gaunt face was plastered and smoothed over King Duncan. Sooyoung would do just about anything.

"The raven himself is hoarse, that croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan," she had to check the window, "under  _ my  _ battlements." A cackle escaped her, high pitched and flailing. 

"Come you spirits, that tend on mortal thoughts…unsex me here and fill me from the crown to the toe-top  _ full  _ of direst cruelty!" She was staring, preening at herself, yet she couldn't recognise who she was. Evil again, a low thrum, and her running was naturally executed. She knew Duncan had to be murdered! 

"Make thick my blood, stop up the access and passage to remorse that no compunctious visitings of nature, shake my fell purpose," panic slipped through her fingers, "nor keep  _ peace, _ " she spat out, "between the effect and it." The words came out milky, she was lost, fearful - evil nurturing her. "Come to my woman's breasts and take my milk for  _ gall _ , you murdering ministers...wherever in your sightless substances you wait on nature's mischief!" 

Pacing, she was pacing, before she lost her mind and sense of reason. She was killing Duncan. She was killing Duncan. " _ Come _ , thick night and pall thee into the dunnest smoke of hell," she raged, "that my keen knife see  _ not  _ the wound it makes," blood, red and spotty, leaking like a gauze, "nor Heaven peep through the blanket of the dark to cry hold! Hold!" She would do anything. 

Silence. 

Before the applause came crashing down like a wave. Fuck!

As the applause scattered, she waited anxiously for the woman's verdict. She was twirling a pen in her hand, sealing her fate.

"I think we have our Yi-kun." 

Her heart skipped a beat. "Who's Yi-kun?" 

"Who do you think?" 

"A main role I'm hoping." She didn't miss the glances stolen between the strangers in front of her. 

" _ The  _ main role." 

She'd done it!

"Good job, you'll be debriefed today - go through to the main hall where you'll meet other cast members." 

"Thankyou," she bowed giddily, but then turned back on her heel. She made it! "what's your name by the way, if you don't mind me asking?" 

A familiar grin. "I'm Kim Jungeun, your head of production." 

She couldn't wait to get started. 

Led through a maze of dilapidated corridors, the ceiling only getting damper with each step, she was determined to look forward. Her first job in months! Hopefully, she could pay her part of the rent without feeling like shit in front of Haseul. 

"So here's the stage." The crew member with the balled up clothes explained. 

Initially, she realised it was tiny. Of course, just because it was tiny didn't have to mean it was shit, but the one functioning stage light didn't give her hope. 

"Okay." 

"Here's your changing room - follow the corridor, then it's the first door on the left." 

"Can I see it?" 

"Sure." 

Coughing, Sooyoung cleared her throat. 

"It's a bit dusty, I know." Neglected with discoloured walls, tacked on production posters -  _ Hangsang! The musical -  _ and a mirror filthy with a layer of grime, was her new changing room. 

"Cool." she muttered. She needed a moment to herself.

"Excuse me, where are the toilets?" 

"They're on the other side of the site. Through the upper right block, which is after this corridor," the corridor stretched on for miles, "and then to the right." 

"And then the toilets will be at the end of the right block?" 

"Yep. I can show you?" he offered.

"I'm okay. Thankyou." 

"Okay. The producer wants you back in the theatre in half an hour." 

"Sure." 

Sooyoung just needed time to adjust. When he left, her head hurt and the air only seemed to dampen as she trekked onwards.

What she'd pieced together was that the theatre was an abandoned school of some sorts, which made her think Kim Jungeun had lured her into a pyramid scheme. "Fuck." she sighed. She felt like a ball of string, knotted and murky. Crawling into her mind was Jeongyeon's warning.  _ What if he blacklists you? _

Gazing towards the gaunt classrooms as if they could give her an answer, she sighed again. Sooyoung entered one of them out of curiosity and was met with a whiteboard that read out  _ character motivations.  _ What were her motivations? She wanted to be an actress - but at what cost?

"Money." she murmured, picking up a pen and drawing three fat cold coins spilling from a purse. 

"Fame," a pause, "I'm gonna live forever ~" she shaded in some blinding lights and curtains. 

The ink ran out. 

Downwards she went, ready to venture into the toilets, which she was sure were absolutely state of the art quality. 

She stopped. In one moment there was silence. 

And in the next was the sound of music trickling from up ahead. Pacing, she peered through a door that was slightly opened.

Mia and Sebastian's theme. Sooyoung found herself smiling. The person in question was practiced at playing, a songbird nestled at home. 

She was good. From the side, her eyes were almost fluttered shut and her fingers played with ease. Her mouth was slightly ajar too, intoning with the soft melody. For once, she didn't care that she was intruding. 

Like a rollercoaster, she held her breath for what she knew would come next. The breaking. 

Furious scale runs replaced quiet proximity and she couldn't take her eyes off of her. As if she were her own Sebastian taking control. 

She was ridiculously good. 

Somehow adding to her performance was a white cane propped against the side off the piano. The cane - the set prop - was cool. More than cool. 

Entranced, she stared at the woman in the strawberry dress, and when the performance came to an end, she felt a little bit more human. 

"That was really good." Sooyoung breathed out.

A pause. 

Creeping into the air was silence. The woman was transfixed on the piano, eerily still.

"Thankyou." 

Another silence ensued and she was borderline uncomfortable. "Okay." 

"Okay." 

"Weird." Sooyoung murmured, before speeding off to rehearsals. She guessed she'd found the resident loner. 

Shrugging, she entered the theatre with an air of purpose. 

"Hi, I'm Im Yeojin - I like your outfit!" A girl with a gummy-coloured smile sprang from her seat. Oversized sweater draping over her knees and bracelets galore, Sooyoung took to her instantly. 

"Oh hi, I'm Ha Sooyoung. I like your bracelets." 

Nodding along, she invited her to sit next to her. "I stress make bracelets." 

"You have like five." she laughed.

"Exactly." 

"Wow."

"I'm in uni, that's why." 

Pursing her lips, Sooyoung kept the ball rolling, "So...why are you here?" 

"Well. I love theatre obviously. And I mean it wasn't my first choice to go here, but it's good practice for when I finish uni and look for bigger theatres. If everything goes well." A sticky feeling settled in her stomach as she realised that Polaris theatre was no one's first choice. 

"Anyway, what about you?" 

"That's a good plan," she said honestly, "and as for me. Well I've always wanted to act."

"Who've you been cast as?" 

"Yi-kun?" 

Im Yeojin gasped, a hint of envy in her voice. "That's impressive~"

She knew it was and the pride clawing inside of her reared its ugly head.

"And you?" 

"I'm Yi-won, one of Yi-kun's younger sisters."

"Looks like we'll be spending a lot of time with each other." 

"Yeah," Yeojin smiled earnestly, "And you know what, I can't wait to meet the main composer who's also the main pianist. She's iconic because-" 

Zoning out, Sooyoung nodded as the board of directors climbed onstage. 

"May I have your attention please." A man was tapping his microphone. Next to her, Yeojin muttered something. 

From the front row, she could make out: designers, disheveled makeup artists, technicians, the main director, the main producer...and the loner?

She stood out from the others. It wasn't just her floor length dress, and the fact that the one functioning stage light shone on her - but something about her was entirely ethereal? In Sooyoung's alcohol-riddled haze from the night before, she remembered how stunning Kim Jungeun had been - a goddess on legs. She looked normal now.

On the other hand, the piano woman shone. She was even wearing sunglasses indoors, like she was aware of her own capability. 

Kim Jungeun spoke and Sooyoung snapped out of her thoughts. The piano woman (who was undoubtedly the main composer) had been a bit sketchy; she wasn't going to lie. Purposefully choosing not to even introduce herself or look Sooyoung's way. She didn't like people without manners.

"Welcome to our first stage production of the year," (it was September), "I'm Kim Jungeun, your head of production. This is Jung Jinsoul," she gestured to the woman with the wide cheekbones and feline eyes, "the creative director. Here's Choi Yerim, head of dance-" 

"Hello everyone, It's lovely to meet you all!" she bubbled, her nervous energy expelling in short bursts, "wait till you see what I have lined up for this production." 

"Yes," Jungeun laughed slightly, "here's Lee Siyeon, head of singing, and this is Kim Jiwoo," she saved for last, "head of music composition." 

Glancing at the main composer, who took a deep breath before she spoke, she made eye contact with Sooyoung. "Hi everybody, I can't wait to get to know you all!" she said warmly. Brightly even.  _ Bullshit,  _ she thought as she shifted in her seat. 

Cracking a smile in her direction, Jungeun nodded. "We're going to split you up into five groups where we can explain the plot and you can start working on your characters. The rest, I'll leave up to you in your own time." 

The theatre buzzed with anticipation, Yeojin practically shaking in her seat. Sooyoung didn't fall for it. All in all, there were only twenty five of them, and the subject of being paid hadn't even come up. 

Soon, their herd was being rounded off into different groups. 

"Park Chaewon! Son Hyejoo! Im Yeojin! Go over to Choi Yerim." 

"Bye!" Yeojin whisper-shouted, clasping her hand before running off.

More names were called, a Bora, a Yubin, a Chaeyoung, but she knew she wouldn't remember them anyway. 

Overcome with the longing to go home, she gazed at the exit sign. She could’ve been in her white duvet, curled up, binge watching Sunmi's YouTube videos or cooking dinner for Vivi and Haseul.

"And what, be jobless?" she mumbled quietly. There was no way in hell she'd come running to her parents if that happened.

"Ha Sooyoung," a familiar voice called, "come here!" 

Sttiding over to their group, Sooyoung smiled thinly. Of course she had to be grateful - the woman had gotten her a job. But did she trust her? 

Oblivious, Kim Jungeun waited for her to introduce herself before spreading out small sheets of paper on the stage floor. 

"Jinsoul gave me these," scrawled in big letters was a 'YI-KUN', "and as you can guess, this is a psychographic file of your characters." 

"So like a fact file? Likes and dislikes, behaviour, etcetera right?" said an attractive woman sporting wide black trousers (from uniqlo she guessed).

"Yes." 

Her heart sank. "Um excuse me, Kim Jungeun?" 

"Jungeun's fine." she smiled. 

Sooyoung frowned, "My sheet says Kim Jiwoo…?" 

"Oh shit," her eyes flicked from her notepad to Sooyoung's file, "you're supposed to be in Jiwoo's group - just go over there now. My bad." 

"Is it necessary to change?" 

"Yeah, it's much easier for us. Sorry." 

"Okay." 

Packing up her things, she groaned before meeting Jiwoo properly.


	4. Here we go again

Hey, I'm meant to be in this group." she started off. There were four others in her group, two guys and two girls who gazed up at her expectantly. Kim Jiwoo was in the centre with her sunglasses still on. 

"Hi! Sit down. We were just playing two truths and one lie."

"Okay." She didn't know she'd been invited to a middle school sleepover. 

"So, what were you saying Markus?" Kim Jiwoo tilted her head towards him, engaged. 

"Well, the first one is that I'm a foreigner." Everyone laughed. 

"Second...is that I have a dog. And the third is that I love the anime Attack on Titan." 

An unexpected squeal came from the main composer. Observing her expression go from cordial to absolute elation, everyone smiled. Even Kim Jungeun from the other side of the theatre.

"Markus! Tell me it's true!" 

"It is." 

She tried to roll her eyes - wasn't Attack on Titan a kid's show(?) - but she couldn't bring herself to do it when she gingerly hugged him. Markus glowed from the praise.

Calming down, she composed herself. "Ok, right. It's my go now." 

Maybe she'd misunderstood the woman. Her two low ponytails, rosy cheeks, and heart shaped pendant didn't give her the impression of being a bitch. She seemed nice.

Sooyoung was mulling over the plan she formulated. If she made a joke, would she be liked by Kim Jiwoo? She didn't  _ need  _ to be validated but the composer didn't seem bad - albeit a bit childlike.

"Well I think we know the obvious truth." she joked. 

Radio silence. 

Markus did a double take, scratching his head awkwardly, only to settle on glaring at her. Sooyoung's smile left - the others made sure of that. Awkwardly, Jiwoo crossed her legs, blush creeping up her neck; as red as the strawberries on her dress. What was wrong?

Eventually - years later - she spoke. "I mean we got the first truth out of the way. I'm completely blind." 

Blind? Had she heard right? She didn't know she was blind. 

"I'm-" 

Drowning out Sooyoung's voice, was a hot-headed woman with hoop earrings.

"Can you tell us how you became blind, if that's okay? She had a serpent's smile, sweet and sickly. She'd cut her off on purpose. 

"Yeah of course." Kim Jiwoo complied, facing her. Meanwhile, Sooyoung couldn't believe she was making enemies again. She hadn't meant to allude to her blindness! How was she supposed to know? A sense of shame washed over her as she realised it was too late to apologise. 

"So, my parents were very excited to have me," she began, chuckling, "and everything was fine. For the first three months of my life, I was apparently dancing and singing which makes a lot of sense now," The others laughed but she didn't dare join in, "Then my aunt noticed that whenever I was given food I would just stare straight ahead. Dead-faced. Then one day, my mum was changing me and she screamed oh god, oh god," she mimicked, "we birthed the devil!" 

Everyone was fond of her candidness.

"And that's because my pupils were completely white. Anyway, it turns out I have retinopathy of prematurity and I won't bore you with the details but it basically means that because my retinas are detached from my eyes. I'm completely blind." 

She was still smiling as she finished answering, glowing even. Everyone else's faces were either screwed into one of pity or awe; Sooyoung was glad the composer couldn't see them. Wondering whether Kim Jiwoo could feel them judging - no, idolising her - she cringed. 

Speaking of everyone, Markus had to notice her cringing, his big blue eyes jumping out of his skull like a fish. 

A timer buzzed. "Oh," the composer perked up and suddenly she couldn't look her way any longer. "We have half an hour. Let me tell you guys the plot of our play." 

Sooyoung had fucked up. Big time. The facts were: she'd accidentally made a pisstake out of a lovely woman's blindness and now everyone hated her. By now, she'd already dug herself an early grave - affirming her position as an absolute arseho-

"Pay attention." the other man (who'd been otherwise silent) glared. He'd spat it out loud enough for Kim Jiwoo to hear.  _ Fucking perfect,  _ she thought.

"Anyway, this is a Historical play, set in the late Joseon era, and it's kind of like Daehakro style. You know what that is, right?" 

Experimental and independent plays often took place at Daehakro. Uneasily, Sooyoung frowned. An experimental type play run by an independent theatre company didn't sound great…

"Our director, my friend Jinsoulie, thought of this plot and we've all worked on it for the past year and a half. Personally, I really like it. Picture this," up close she wore a silver ring embedded with an eye, "It's 1855, four years after Cheoljong has been crowned king. The Andong Kim clan are using him as their government puppet, and Korea is poverty stricken. Do you follow?" 

Sooyoung was having flashbacks to barely passing History.

"Excuse me," Markus cleared his throat, "why are the Kim clan using Cheoljong?" 

Immediately, she replied. "Basically around that time period, Korea was run by oligarchs who needed to assert control by giving Cheoljong, who was previously exiled, the title of King. Do you get it?"

"Wow." The woman next to her added.

Wow indeed. She couldn't even remember which dynasties were most powerful at the time. There was obviously the Yi Dynasty (Joseon), but the others…?

Nodding dumbly, Markus let her continue. 

"This play tells the story of the main character Yi-kun, a young lady, who's a distant cousin of Cheoljong, who ends up moving to the Capitol of Korea. She's very, very vengeful," she laughed, "and what she does is aspires to get rid of the Andong Kim's who have been lording their power and influence for about 450 years." 

Pride swelled in her heart. She was Yi-kun! 

"So what she does is gets two of her younger sisters, an eunuch on the run, a Catholic priest, her closest friend and last but not least King Cheoljong himself to break down the clan. Any questions?" 

Again, Markus cleared his throat. "Does Yi-Kun succeed? I mean, because surely bringing down the clan that controls the entire country will cause even more civil unrest?" 

"She succeeds by turning over the power back to the Royal Family. And also killing quite a few members of the clan."

"Thankyou." 

"No problem Markus. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Any more?" Watching Sooyoung intently as she asked, she had to remind herself that Kim Jiwoo wasn't staring her down.

"Yeah, um, this is kind of silly but are there any side plots, or is it just centred around Yi-kun?" 

Shaking her head, she explained. "The main plot is about Yi-kun being a badass, but there are other narratives going on. Like her younger sister's personal issues, a decree that promises to prosecute any Catholics, and also Korea at the time from the Andong Kim’s perspective - so don't worry. What's your name again by the way? I'm sorry, I forget easily."

"Kim Minji." 

"Ah~ that's so pretty," she gasped, "what character are you playing?" 

"I'm the wife of Kim Sehun-" 

Like a dial, the main composer livened up the atmosphere with a dazzling smile. 

"She's one of the most cutthroat characters, believe me. Playing her will be so fun for you!"

"I can't wait." she said dutifully. 

"No, no. You need to be like, 'I can't wait'." she smirked, wiggling her eyebrows. 

"Ah!" 

Despite the unfamiliar atmosphere, everyone started laughing. Hostility melting away like snow.

"Seriously," Kim Jiwoo raised her fists in her direction, "try it at home." 

"Alright~" 

"Now," she clasped her hands together, "what characters are you all playing?"

"Kim Honseol. Brother of Kim Honsool." 

"Okay." 

"Kim Hye-bin. Personal guard of Kim Soolhyeon." The woman with the serpent smile smirked.

"Nice!"

"I'm Kim Honsool. Brother of Kim Honseol." 

Sooyoung was next after the girl with the strikingly symmetrical face. "Oh, I already told you. I'm the wife of Kim Sehun. Kim Soolhyeon." 

About to open her mouth, the main composer cut her off. 

"Okay guys! We're pretty much ready to give you the scripts, is that okay?" 

A pang of embarrassment shot through her. No one had bothered to point out the composer leaving her out, instead passing around copies of the script amongst themselves. Sooyoung, on the other hand, felt like Regina fucking George. 

At that moment she was reminded how whole months had been consumed whilst she searched for theatres to take her in. At first with an image in her mind. She'd stride in, cv in hand, perform something and leave with a job that'd satisfy both her and her stomach. But time passed and that image shattered, fragments of hope - her hope - gone. 

By the end of September she was sewing herself up at the seams, refusing to burst but feeling worthless all the same.

One night she was at home, making bibimbap for her, Haseul and Kahei, when she dropped her spatula. Kahei yelped so loud that her confession sort of blurted out from her. She was going to have to work full time at the bar she'd waitressed at. 

Now it was a bitter October afternoon, and she'd dodged a bullet, but in the process, she'd bitten into another. Well, they'd hate her for what she'd say next.

"Excuse me?" 

Tilting her head, Kim Jiwoo's watchful gaze settled on Sooyoung. "Yes?" 

"You forgot about me. My character." 

"Oh?" A beat. "who are you playing?" 

"Yi-kun."

Her smile faltered. Just for a second. 

"Well done." 

No one else had glanced her way, apart from Markus with his caterpillar brows and wide-eyed expression. 

The silence glossed over the circle as Sooyoung muttered a small thanks. Hostility setting like snow. 

In the back of the theatre, through the slanted window, she could make out the sky bleeding openly, crimson staining the clouds. Alone, Sooyoung revised her character and the script. The composer filled the intermittent silences with stories of her own, and the others bantered back and forth. Suddenly, she realised that Kim Jiwoo had never seen the sky.

When everyone else had left, the howling of the wind was merciless, and it grew louder by the minute. She wanted to go home.

Abruptly, someone prodded her. 

With a white cane.

"Ha Sooyoung?" It was Kim Jiwoo.

"You're facing the bin." 

"One second." 

Sweeping her white cane, it tapped Sooyoung's left trainer, and then she positioned herself in front of her. 

Bracing herself for the worst, she shivered. There was a hardness in her face.

"Okay. Listen. I just want to say since you're the main character, there's going to be a few scenes where you're walking off in a different direction to someone else or," the words were tumbling out in a rush, "they'll start following you. You know, symbolism. Which means you'll be spending extra hours with myself, timing your movements to my accompaniment. Music." 

Trying to reply, fingers frosted and numb, she realised that she wasn't getting kicked out. Sooyoung just had to watch her mouth: something she was pretty shit at. 

But then the weight of her words sent her sprawling. Extra hours? She didn't want to do that - at least not for free.

"Right. Do I get paid overtime for this?"

Kim Jiwoo's smile wavered. Again. Sooyoung didn't know why, it was a valid question. 

"I don't think so," she said coolly, "it's just catching up with what needs to be done." 

"Do we even get paid?" Sooyoung retorted. 

"Once a month." 

"How much?" 

"One million won." 

One million won! Rent couldn't even be covered with that little money. 

"It's not much, I know," she replied, taking her silence for an answer. "but depending on how well our play goes, you'll receive more." 

In all honesty, she didn't even know what to say. Kim Jiwoo had the nerve to look slightly defensive, as if what she was doing was fair. She didn't look like a money-suckling capitalist, but then again Sooyoung was never good with first impressions. 

"So come to the extra rehearsals on Saturday evenings, so you can be the best you can be." 

Saturday evening! Kim Jiwoo was robbing her the right to fucking relax. And her tone was so patronising as well. A part of her wanted to lie and say she had work; that's what she would've done with Jaden anyway, but she couldn't bring herself to.

"Okay. And I suppose we'll have to buy our own costumes too?" 

"If you lose any of our equipment, then yes." she sniped back.

Aware that they were the only ones left in the theatre, Sooyoung started walking away. She left her with an, "Okay." 

"Where are you going?" Irritation jaded her tone and her silver ring gleamed menacingly. If Kim Jiwoo could pull off menacing. 

"Home." 

"It's Saturday evening, Ha Sooyoung." 

Aggrieved, Sooyoung gritted her teeth. "Okay." 

Quickly, she let the groupchat know that she'd be returning home late. Her phone  _ pinged _ and she saw that Haseul had replied with a winky face. 

Out of the blue, the composer tapped her on the shoulder. Even her kitten heels couldn't hide the fact that she was two or three inches shorter than her. "Um, Ha Sooyoung. Sorry. Can you please take me to the piano?" 

"To the piano room?" 

"No, to the one somewhere around here. If you don't mind." It was fine. 

Not sure if she was allowed to touch her for some reason, the other woman took initiative and linked their arms together as loosely as possible. 

"Thanks." 

Propping her cane (she noticed a rainbow sticker stuck on) onto the side of the piano, she opened it with ease. 

"Go to centre stage."

"Okay." 

"If you don't mind." 

She did. 

"Okay." 

"We'll start with Act 1 Scene 1, you know what happens right?" 

"Uh," all of that time filing through the script had fried her brain, "I swear I do nothing?" 

The composer played a few scales - arpeggio. "What do you mean by nothing?" 

"Well I know it's not  _ nothing  _ but I'm just there." 

"There where?" She was starting to piss her off. 

"Well, I don't know? I'm sorry alright." 

"You're lying on your bed. Listening to your sisters arguing. Then you get up, grab your bible and start praying and they pull you into an argument." 

"Is that it, right?" 

At Sooyoung's disinterest, the composer frowned for a second. It was barely imperceptible because a second later she went back to playing piano, but she instantly regretted it. 

"Never mind, I'll work with it for now." 

"Let's go from the top." 

When she started playing, some ancient, lonely piece; her white cane propped on the grand piano again, Sooyoung just wanted to listen. She knew that pianists could carve stories from chords if they played well enough, and she was doing just that.

"Ha Sooyoung? The scene has started." 

"Right." 

And so for the rest of the scene, with Sooyoung flitting back and forth from the "bed" (a chair), arguing with Jiwoo, who acted out all four of her sisters whilst playing the piano, she eventually got into her role. 

"That's good." A smile broke onto her face, "you have a nice voice." 

That caught her off-guard. "Like the way Yi-kun sounds?" 

"Yeah." She messed around on the piano. "We have to go from the top." 

About to give her a thumbs up but then realising she was blind, she moved back to centre stage.

"Wait," she had a question, "how do you know if I'm moving to the right places?" 

"I trust you." She answered so easily. How could she do that? 

"Okay." 

"I have to trust you anyway. Plus I can kind of sense where you're walking," her voice dimmed, "your footsteps are kind of loud." Pretending not to hear the last part, she was ready to begin.

"Let's get it." 

This time the reading was painstakingly slow, Kim Jiwoo pausing after almost every line Sooyoung read. After a while, she interrupted her.

"Hey, why do you need to stop like that?” Face morphing into one of surprise, she gave her an answer. "...I don't think you're adding enough emotion into the text. I could be wrong!" she added, "but I'm begging to leave this island and you're telling me to calm down with not enough conviction." 

Evenly, she took the criticism. "I'm in rehearsals, I didn't realise I had to do this scene with such vigour." 

Instead of replying, Kim Jiwoo just pursed her lips, like she knew better. 

"Well?" she dared, deja-vu. Instead of saying anything at all, the composer pursed her lips again, and added a small shrug. Clearly, she had a superiority complex. Mouthing 'fuck off', Sooyoung rolled her eyes for the fiftieth time that day.

"I know you're upset at me." 

That caught her off guard too. "I'm not. I just misunderstood the scene." 

"You're good enough, don't worry. Just inject more emotion this time." 

"I know I'm good." 

"Then prove it." 

Affronted and a little fired up, they started again. 

"Yi-Kun, we can't stay here any longer.  _ This _ is the perfect chance, don't you see?" 

She had to kill her sister's hopes before her father heard them. They were too close to screw it up now. "Shutup! Pray with me." Sooyoung hissed. 

"Again." The composer commanded. "if you don't mind." 

She did mind. She was confused and kind of hurt because Sooyoung  _ knew  _ she was fucking good. That was why she acted and there was no way Kim Jiwoo was going to make her feel like shit, poking at her weaknesses like holes in a shirt.

"Yi-Kun we can't stay here any longer.  _ This  _ is the perfect chance, don't you see?" 

"Shutup! Pray with me."

"Cheoljong is leaving now, Yi-Kun. In a matter of days, listen to me!" 

Red-faced, she snapped. "I don't want to listen!" 

"Father will stop us if we don't go-" 

"Could you be anymore  _ stupid _ ," she raised her hand-

"Again." 

Was she fucking with her? Almost like she could sense her animosity, Kim Jiwoo looked right through her, eerily, with her sunglasses on. Who did she think she was? "Yi-Kun we can't stay here any longer.  _ This _ is the perfect chance, don't you see?" 

"Shut-" 

"Again." 

"Why?" she shouted. 

She didn't say a word. 

" _ This  _ is the perfect chance, don't you see?" 

"Shutup! Pray-" 

" _ This _ is the perfect chance-" 

"Shutup!" her blood boiled, "pray with me!" 

"Cheoljong is leaving  _ now  _ Yi-Kun! In a matter of days - listen to me!"

"I don't want to listen!" 

"Father will stop us if we don't go-"

Her hand was already raised; she bounded towards Jiwoo's direction with God's will on her side. "Could you be anymore  _ stupid,"  _ she silenced her, "sit down and pray." A beat. "Don't look at me like I've condemned you to hell." 

"I think I get it…" Guilt plastered over her pretty face. 

Rolling her eyes, she opened up her Bible and sneered. " _ You think you get it. _ " 

"I do get it! I just don't see the point of having to stay quiet."

Tired. She was tired and didn't have an answer to her insolent sister's questions. She clearly didn't get why their departure had to be in secret.

But then, like quicksilver, something shifted. Rolling off her tongue was the final answer.

"To get back what's ours." 

Satisfied, Kim Jiwoo gave her a small nod. "Ah. Well done." 

"I would've done that if we weren't just doing first rehearsals." she swallowed thickly. The composer was lucky she was reining back her anger - no, she refused to be angry.

"Well," she tilted her head, "why don't you act like this all the time then?" 

"I don't want to waste my energy on the first rehearsals." 

In an instant, she brought down thunder. "So you're saying this is a waste of time? At least that's what I'm getting." 

Sooyoung was pissed off, heart beating fast. "Listen, I'm not saying it's a waste of my time-" 

"You think you're too good for us then." 

She was perilously close to falling. Kim Jiwoo's face was flushed, jaw taut. So was Sooyoung's. One more word had to be said, and she was out. 

"Jiwooming!" Swinging open, were the doors, clanging against the discoloured walls. She flinched. 

"Lippie." The words fell flat. 

"Hey Sooyoung!" Jungeun waved, a smile overtaking her face - she was in a freakishly good mood. 

"Hello, Ha Sooyoung." Recognising the  _ executive director _ from earlier, in her funky floral print and high waisted jeans, she shot her a weak smile.

"Hello," she had no control over what she was saying, "we were just practicing!" 

"Wow!" The executive director clapped, "I'm glad we have such diligent workers."

Lost, she waited for any of them to say something. For the composer to fire her once and for all; for the producer to yell at her; for the director to kick her face in with her Doc Martens, she didn't know.

"We're going home?" the composer smiled, her face bright and sad and lovely. 

"Yeah come on," Jung Jinsoul beckoned, "got your stuff?" 

Grabbing her white cane, she nodded. 

"Let's go baby!" Jungeun was grinning like a Cheshire cat. 

"Wait," the composer furrowed her eyebrows, "I forgot...my bag." 

Already returning with it, Sooyoung tapped her shoulder. "Here." She didn't say anything.

Awkwardly, they both linked arms again. Again, she was a little unprepared for the contact since Kim Jiwoo's arms were always a little softer than she'd expected, but either way she could feel her gravitating towards the exit. In her mind, she thought of being hugged by her, but hugs were overrated anyway. 

Immediately, she ditched Sooyoung and embraced her best friends in a hug. She didn't stay to watch. 


	5. Sometimes, a friend is needed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooyoung and Vivi's friendship is so overlooked - this is a shoutout to them

Han River murmured back at the two of them, tranquil. In October, they didn't get the peace of a still night sky, so they had to settle for second best, hair blowing in their mouths and faces every five seconds.

Pockets of light illuminated Kahei's face, her teeth chattering. "Han River 's so pretty...l-like a rainbow bridge." 

"I know…" she bit into her bungeoppang, the sweet red bean paste encasing her lips, "but can we go to the park? It's freezing."

"Nooooo," Kahei whined, pulling her into a hug. Only she was quite short so she clung determinedly to her instead, "not yet." 

Dragging her to the direction of Hangang park was harder than anticipated. "Come on shortie..." 

"You're such a Gemini." She finally gave up, waddling in her pink parka jacket. 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Your dual nature, flip-flopping everywhere." 

Sooyoung laughed; it almost sounded like a cry against the merciless wind. 

"Haseulie's a Leo, right?" 

Watching Kahei's face brighten at 2am, rivalling the lights that dotted Han river, she wondered how it felt like to love somebody that much. 

"Yeah. My little lion." Kahei told her in a jokey tone, "she's sleeping right now." 

"Aren't lions supposed to be nocturnal?" 

Glaring at her, Sooyoung found herself laughing, popping her puffed-out cheeks. "Cute." 

They chatted for a bit, until they took their refuge by a tree. Being out at night still made her slightly on edge, but she had her switchblade in case anything happened. 

"How's work?" The older girl asked, attentive. Sooyoung shook her head - she'd work up to the subject later. 

"Uno reverse card." she dabbed. 

Cringing into her jacket, until only tufts of her hair stuck out, Kahei slapped her lightly. "I can't believe you-" suddenly, she shivered and Sooyoung hugged her, "ah. Thankyou." 

"How's work?" 

"No. How's  _ your  _ work Sooyoung-ah? Don't turn the tables." 

"I'll tell you later, your turn, cutie." 

Fondly, she rolled her eyes, "Fine. Work is a bit boring right now. Not boring, um," she paused, comfortable, "stagnant." 

She let her rant, "Of course I'm grateful for my life and the people in it, but right now we're working with 3CE. You know them, right?" 

Their staple was their bold makeup assortment - arrays of lipstick; bb cream; foundation thrusted upon shelves appetizingly, so it was fair to say she knew them. She'd never really indulged in them though, preferring to scroll online longingly. 

"Have I ever mentioned how cool you are?" 

"Of course," she smiled, "anyway. I was really excited about the new lipstick shoot but it's not going well." 

"Tell me what's going on." Her friend was uneasy, she didn't like that at all.

"It's not a big deal, it's just they aren't happy with the photos, and keep on asking our manager to shoot again," she brushed the hair from her eyes, "but no one knows if it's worth it." 

Frowning, Sooyoung offered her a bite of her bungeoppang. "I can't." she waved it away and thanked her anyway. 

"I hope the stress you're feeling passes." At 2am, the words came out a bit rougher, harsher even. They were more sincere that way.

"And that 3CE get their shit together." 

"Ah~", she exhaled, nose wrinkling. "Maybe I will have a bite." she kneeled forward tiredly. 

"You'll be fine." She patted her hood, "you're beautiful." 

Embracing her again, they were content for a while, sharing whatever body heat they'd conserved. Deflated, she sunk into her shoulder and wondered how much time they had left together. 

"Let's walk back home." Sooyoung didn't want to think about it.

"Wait," she yawned, "tell me about work." 

"Ah. I promised, didn't I?" Nodding tiredly, Kahei gestured for her to continue.

She cracked her knuckles and sighed deeply, aging about five years in the process. On the forefront of her mind was Kim Jiwoo. 

"I got into Polaris theatre, so that was good," she blinked the sleep out of her eyes, "but turns out it's a bit of a shit place, with shitty people. Or maybe I'm just shitty, I don't know." she murmured. In ten minutes they would be in bed so she tried to trace the outlines of the city she had an aversion to; of the solitary supermarkets and towering firms she couldn't really call home.

"How d-did you get into Polaris?" 

"We'll be home soon, I swear," their cheeks looked like they'd been scrubbed raw, "it's so fucking cold!" Kahei didn't have the will to agree.

With the vicious weather halting her thought process, she eventually remembered how she got in. She thought of Kim Jungeun, the memory of them meeting soured by everything that came afterwards. 

"That's a story for another day. Anyway, we're doing a play on the Joseon Dynasty and I got a good role." she managed to say.

"Which role?" 

"The main role." Pride warmed her up. 

"Sooyoungie!" She huffed then started yawning again, "why didn't you tell us before?" 

Shrugging in response, they turned the corner. 

"You're so shut off sometimes you know. Talk about yourself. I'm not a j-journalist." Left behind were the trees, casting eerie shadows on the pavements. 

"You want me to tell you why the people are shitty?" 

Eyes half closed, she encouraged her. "Yes, please do." 

"Okay. So there's this girl called Kim Jiwoo. She's not just a girl," she explained, "she's the main composer. And she  _ seems  _ like she's really nice because she plays amazingly well and has the brightest smile you'll ever see, seriously."

Trying her best to listen, her friend nodded vigorously. She gave Kahei her lukewarm food to hold.

"And basically we were all in a group and I wanted to make a joke to break the ice but I," she pushed the words out, "I really fucked up." 

Rubbing her parka jacket comfortingly, Sooyoung continued. "Here's the thing. I didn't realise that the composer is blind," Kahei winced, sensing what was to come, "and we were playing two truths and one lie - like kids - and it was Kim Jiwoo's turn and i jumped in and said 'well we know the obvious truth' or something like that." 

"No!" 

Bitterly, she laughed, "basically the whole group thought I was taking the piss out of her being blind and now everyone hates me." 

"Well...fuck. I mean what did you want to say?" Her friend was bewildered, struggling to grasp the situation at almost 3 am in the morning. She appreciated the effort.

"I actually meant to say she was amazing at piano and I got cut off," she rambled, "and it all went to shit, but  _ that  _ was what I meant by the obvious truth. She's a fucking prodigy." 

Impassioned, Sooyoung continued for a while. "And she looks at me like she's disgusted, and I don't blame her and you know I would've said sorry," she threw her hands in the air, "I'm not a fucking ableist!" 

"I know. You're going to wake our neighbourhood though." 

"Agh." Spurred on, she warned Kahei. "Watch. She's going to come in smiling, wearing something really floral, and we're going to work through the fight scene I'm doing. She's going to tip her head back laughing at everything and pretend to be nice as long as the others are around. That's Kim Jiwoo." 

Standing on her tiptoes, Kahei patted her head and kissed her cheek before opening their door. Apparently, they'd arrived. "Chill. I'm here if you need me." 

Ten minutes later, they waved each other goodnight as Kahei crawled into her and Haseul's bed, finally at home. 

That night she fell asleep with Kim Jiwoo's annoyingly bright smile running through her mind. 


	6. Live and let live

"Hey guys, I just want to see how you're getting on." 

Rather than observing the freeze frame scene: Minji's manicured hands at her throat; Soyeon's left eye twitching; Markus and Jisung's hands cupped around their mouths, supposedly yelling for the guards, Jung Jinsoul chose to lie down.

Eagle-spread on the alarmingly grimy floor, her dyed blonde hair beautifully french braided, she stroked her chin. 

"I'm not an actress, but personally I'd like to see a bit more rage in your eyes, Minji. Can you do that?" 

"Sure." Quickly, she shot her a thumbs up. Her eyes darted around the room; Minji's hands were warm around Sooyoung's neck. "And Markus-" 

"Yes?" As soon as the director mentioned his name, he was already blushing. Sooyoung thought he looked like an idiot. 

She seemed to pick up on his crush too, her eyes narrowing, a smirk splayed on her lips. "I want levels. I know you guys are supposed to be identical twins, but I'd like you to crouch a bit, whilst Jisung stays up." 

Squatting awkwardly, he managed to look at her. "Like this?" 

Bursting into laughter was Jung Jinsoul, followed by everyone else. 

"Maybe a little less awkward. Just a tad."

Stretching before lazily getting up, she assisted Markus. He was embarrassingly red for a man of twenty something years old. Maybe they blushed more in Europe.

"Okay! That's good. Let me just call the grand adjudicator." 

Speeding off to the other side, Sooyoung's heart kickstarted - still pounding from their last confrontation - when she saw who she'd brought along. 

"Jiwooming, I need you to judge their positioning for the first fight scene. You’re the best person to rely on." 

Ears tinged red, the infamous Kim Jiwoo smiled brightly. As usual. 

"Okay~ Everyone rest your joints, I know Jinsoulie likes to torture her students." There was a collective groan as they dropped their drooping arms and legs.

"Jiwoo!" Jinsoul squeezed her hand for some reason. Sooyoung couldn't care less but her eyes were glued to them all the same.

Today the composer had an off-white floor length dress on, but her waist was cinched by a nice belt, her heart-shaped buckle hugging her hips. 

"Okay." 

Snapping out of her daze, she spotted Kim Jiwoo quietly asking one of the guys a question. Then the peculiar process began. 

"Markus, stick your left leg out a bit," a tap of the cane, "perfect."

She moved on and did the same to Jisung, her white cane with the stupid rainbow sticker checking their feet, and then patting her arms deftly around their torsos and arms. "Jisung, you're lovely." 

"Thankyou." he bowed his head. Somehow, the composer had skillfully used her cane like an extension of her body, detecting their weaknesses in seconds. 

Just as amazed as Sooyoung, Soyeon was wordless as her hands leaped from her hands to her feet and back, correcting her boxing stance. 

"I can't wait to get you some armour," Kim Jiwoo gasped, "you're going to be so cool." Sooyoung found it ridiculous that whatever the composer said was ridiculously reassuring, never stilted or off-kilter. It could've been the too bright smile she gave that made it work. Either way, it didn’t matter to her.

"Kim. Kim Minji!" she jogged her memory. "Is it okay if I touch you?" She was polite. Polite where others wouldn't have been. 

"Sure." 

Within ten seconds, she'd placed Minji a little to her left, causing Sooyoung to trip up since her slender fingers were supposed to strangle her. Someone giggled. 

If Kim Jiwoo noticed, she didn't say anything, only inching closer towards Sooyoung with every tweak. Her hands snaked down Minju's arms, then fingers, until she could feel another pair of hands on her. The composer gave a little laugh as her hands wrapped around the crook of her neck.

There was fire behind the way she said her name. 

"Ha Sooyoung." 

"That's me." 

Her voice was low, silky, like liquid, whatever you wanted to call it. Sooyoung's chest physically clawed at her. 

"Can I touch you?" 

Objectively, she knew she was okay. She just had to answer the question. 

But Kim Jiwoo's stupid hand was ghosting her jawline, and a million fucking neurons screamed something she didn't want to hear. 

"Yeah." She sounded too eager, like a fucking invitation she was offering. 

"Okay." 

Unlike everyone else, her hands traversed from her neck slowly, like she was coaxing behind a trail of gasoline. Brushing over her collarbones, then to her shoulders, she took a step forward. Closer still. Sooyoung wanted her to hurry up.

At once, the eerily intuitive girl seemed to read her mind - patting her down before she pulled away.

"You should be facing Minji directly." Right. She had to say something. 

"Ok." 

Adjusting herself so she was staring Minji right in the eyes (the girl looked kind of helpless), she muttered an, "Is this okay?" 

"No."

Behind her, she heard Soyeon snicker and Kim Jiwoo, the almighty composer, let it slide. Minji had to take the brunt of Sooyoung's withering glare since they were still forced to stare at each other. "Well what should I do then?" 

A tap of the cane. 

"Your arms are by your side, aren't they?" Kim Jiwoo seethed with so much contempt that it almost took her by surprise. 

"Yes." 

"Place them on Minji's arms, since you should be trying to pull away from her hold." 

As soon as the implications slipped out of her mouth, deliberately honeyed with a feigned innocence, Sooyoung knew that she wasn't going to listen.

"I'm not going to." 

"Why not?" 

"I'm reaching for my sword, it would be stupid if I did anything else." Silence. Everyone's heads had turned. 

Hotly, she shot back an answer. "If someone is strangling you, you wouldn't be able to reach your sword." 

"No," she spat out, "that's- bullshit. My sword by my side would be much easier to reach than me trying to get her hands off my neck." 

"Your instinctive reaction would be to get Minji off actually, and another thing," she stepped closer, white-hot, "our characterisations aren't bullshit." 

"I-"

Perking up, Jung Jinsoul careered towards them. Sooyoung's life flashed before her eyes. 

"Who said bullshit?" 

Immediately, the dynamic had shifted, and she loathed how pitiful she was. Kim Jiwoo had all the power, bigger than the main character could ever be, and she hated her for it. But even then, she was still so, so angry, and it was almost impossible to contain when it was coursing through her, blood-red and dripping from her clenched fists. 

With a twinkling smile, the composer sealed her fate. "Ah Jinsoulie, when are you going to get your ears checked?" 

Pulling a face of mock surprise in front of all of them, she rubbed the composer's shoulders. "You're lucky you're cute, you know. My ears are perfect." 

She clicked her fingers, not quite managing to do a finger gun, and Sooyoung's turbulence was starting to fade. 

"Are we all set?" 

"Yep!" Kim Jiwoo told her brightly, and Sooyoung held back the scowl of the century.

"Just one second though." And before she could register what was happening, the composer was taking her hands, and placing them onto Minji's tired arms. 

"Perfect." The executive director grinned wolfishly, before she took a photo of the scene. 

Once they both left, Sooyoung's hands were still ringing. She couldn't even focus on the script because she was drowning in a maelstrom of thoughts, counting all of the times she's gotten into confrontations with the composer. 

  1. The first time was when she'd accidentally mocked her - that was her fault 
  2. The second was Kim Jiwoo basically telling her that her acting was fucking shit 
  3. The third was on Tuesday, when she told her that practice started at 11am but Sooyoung didn't know, and she was offended 



And now, the fourth fight had just broken out. Somehow, they felt much more real than the ones she'd had with Jaden because it was easy to hate him. He was a misogynistic pig who overworked and underpaid; a conniving little bitch who's plots were strung out of shit and constant shouts. Kim Jiwoo, on the other hand, wasn't easy to hate. Far from it. She reckoned it was because they were probably the same age, even though she was willing to bet she was a little younger. 

"Sooyoungie!" She knew who it was. 

"Oh, hey Yeojin." 

Sitting down next to her, Yeojin drummed on Sooyoung’s knees.

"How are you? I haven't spoken to you in ages, but don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you. Obviously." 

"I'm alright, just rehearsing." 

"Same! I mean I just finished a scene with Chaewon and Hyejoo, which was kind of hard not gonna lie. But it's okay because Yerim is really kind and pretty so she helped me with the dancing." 

"Dancing?" 

"Yeah! You'll probably be working with Yerim soon, she's really nice so don't worry. Anyway, how are you? Tell me!" 

The younger girl was blurting out words like she managed an assault course and it was just too much information for her to absorb. "Why are you so hyper today?" 

"I don't know. Maybe it was the coffee. Or my business studies class which just got cancelled." Practically screeching as she finished, Sooyoung winced. 

"Cool," she was too out of it, "I'm fine, just tired with this work." 

Holding her hands up to the sky, she agreed with the fervour of a priest on Sunday sermons. "I know - it's so hard, seriously! And we're staying till six today." 

"Yeah…" At least it was a Friday, which meant she wouldn't be spending extra hours with Kim fucking Jiwoo. 

"You're coming next week, right?" 

"Huh?" Despite hating her current job, of course she was coming. The paycheck at the end of the month dangled alluringly from the stick that kept her labouring.

"To the Halloween dinner?" she raised one eyebrow, perplexed. Sooyoung sank. This was how the kids with no friends back at high school must've felt like. 

"No, I'm probably going to work." 

However, Yeojin had already caught on, scrolling through a groupchat. "Let me add you." 

"No, it's-"  _ Ding. One new message @Polaris Peeps.  _

"Thanks Yeojin." 

Gazing at her a little empathetically, she gave her a thumbs up. "It's at the director's villa in Seochu-gu." 

Seochu-gu? That meant Jung Jinsoul was wealthy. Assuming she lived around Gwanjin-gu (where Polaris was), it meant she had a second property in one of the richest districts. 

The only thing stopping her from coming was the undeniable fact that everyone hated her. And Kim Jiwoo. She was a sub clause written in bold print. "I'm going to be busy at work." 

Tutting, Yeojin reprimanded her. "You should come, it'll be fun! And plus you can make friends and stuff." 

"I have friends." she said derisively. 

"I'm not doubting that, you give off popular vibes." About to half-heartedly thank her, the younger girl interrupted her. 

"Anyway, from me to you, a lot of people are coming to try and make connections with the board."

For her whole life Sooyoung had avoided being a suck up and she wasn't about to start now. "Are you going to try and impress them?" 

"Maybe." 

"Nice," standing up, she left her, "I need to go to the toilet." 

Vaguely remembering which way the toilet was, (on the other side, through the upper right block, and somewhere on the right), she walked there leisurely, since she had three whole hours left of work. 

Perhaps strolling down the solemn corridor had made her introspective, but she realised Yeojin had a point. Sooyoung  _ didn’t  _ have any friends; inside of the theatre and not many out. All of the people surrounding her: Haseul and Kahei, Heejin, Hyunjin, Doyeon, Chaeyeon, Chaeryeong, Mark, her sister and more, were already half gone or packing up to start a new chapter of their lives. She was just there, blinded by her will to be an actress which amounted for nothing. Worming into her mind were her parents, their faces watery and worn out by perpetual disappointment.

Music trickled from up ahead and a part of her knew that the composer would be playing. Painfully aware that effort didn’t always mean success, she was met with failure once again. But instead of doing anything, she slumped down onto the floor. 

Claire De Lune. 

Through the gap in the door, she could make out the composer with her sunglasses on, playing with so much sentiment, the rush of hopelessness she felt came swelling back. She thought of all of the posters the music department hung up back in high school: "Music transcends language, music touches us emotionally where words alone can't, music makes life worth living, etcetera," and it was true because she started crying. Sooyoung was fine. Jiwoo's face was a bit blurred, but she was playing so beautifully.

Furiously wiping the tears from her eyes, she was content watching her perform to herself. Her dress was beautiful too, despite how horrible she could be but she'd never tell her that anyway. 

Returning back to their practice room, as if she just hadn’t listened in on the composer, a light tap of the cane caught up with her. 

"Oh!" Kim Jiwoo exclaimed, "who is-" 

"Sooyoung." 

Her face darkened - something she'd never witnessed before from someone like her. And then she opened her mouth.

"I have to speak to you." There was something so infuriating about her: it was in the way she regarded Sooyoung compared to everyone else. 

"Yes?" 

The bombshell dropped. "You're spending extra hours with me today." 

"What."

Their bodies brushed against each other and Kim Jiwoo took the opportunity to link their arms together. 

"I know how much you love spending time with me." She was scathing, but the smile on her face said otherwise. 

"I also know how much you love listening to me playing piano," a beat, and her voice lowered, as if she didn't trust herself for what she was about to say, "it's a shame it had to be you." 

There were three firm taps of the cane: one on the bottom left corner of the door; one on Sooyoung's trainer; a last one sweeping the area in front of her. It all happened so quickly that she was taken aback when Kim Jiwoo gingerly entered another abandoned classroom. Trailing after her, arm in arm, she was rendered useless. 

"That fight scene from today," she started off, peeling her arms away from Sooyoung's.

And bumped into a table. "Ow."

Bolting towards her, she tried to guide her. "There's a chair to your left." 

“Thanks.” But the composer had gone too far left. Sooyoung clutched her arm immediately to stop her from tripping over the stupid chairs. "Hold onto me." 

Both of them shuffling from side to side, she grasped both of her wrists before seating her down, getting down on her knees in the process. She was about to get up when her head was suddenly being patted by the composer, and for a split second, she was transfixed on the smallest of lopsided smiles. She let her head get patted.

"I was going to say, in that fight scene from today-" 

Plainly, she stood up and answered. "You're going to tell me I did terrible." 

"That too," she agreed, "but you're also going to be the main opposing force against Soyeon and Minji in this scene and there will be a lot of movement. Which means you’re still spending extra hours with me." Main opposing force or not, it was still bullshit.

"I can't do that." 

Craning her neck so that she was facing upwards, she frowned. "Why not?" 

"I have obligations to go to." 

"Like what?" she crossed her arms. That's where Sooyoung drew the line. 

"Like...like work!" she bent down on one knee, "the world doesn't revolve around you or this play - if I don't have time that's," she almost swore, "that's it! I'm not going to work my arse off only to be underpaid and to be called shit by everyone around me, that's it." The enormous weight behind her actions made her feel nauseous. At any moment, she could lose her job. 

"So you'd rather give up then put the effort into this play?" Watching as an unbelievable smirk appeared on her pink lips, Sooyoung knew that to her she was just a game. The intricate web had being weaved, and Sooyoung was caught. 

"Fuck." she whispered. All she wanted was to become an actress.

"Sooyoung?" She was stuck on one knee as Kim Jiwoo fiddled with her hands. 

"Sooyoung." she repeated sternly. When she didn't answer, the composer tilted her chin upwards, so that she was gazing intently at her face instead. She was burning so strongly, she couldn't recognise herself. 

"Sooyoung." Bright and sad and lovely. 

"Hm." 

Taking a deep breath, like always when she was nervous, she spoke pragmatically. "Can I touch your hand?" 

"Do I need to repay you if you do?"

"Money doesn't mean much to me." she laughed lightly, and Sooyoung's hand found hers. Social constructs thrown out of the window when she looked at her. 

"Are you rich?" 

"No," she squeezed her hand, "on the list of things I care about, money is very low." Stiffly, she nodded, completely flushed. "Good for you." 

"But I know that's not for everyone because we live in a capitalist society where money is valued above livelihood." 

"Yeah."

A long silence stretched between them - the other girl had moved onto fiddling with Sooyoung’s hands, brushing her thumb. "I'll talk to Jungeun about a raise, she's good at sorting out that stuff. I pinky promise." 

Afflicted by a mixture of nostalgia and shock, she intertwined their pinky fingers together like kids. 

"Can I help you get to the theatre?" 

Blushing, she mumbled something before nodding. It was amusing to her. Taking her hand, just for a moment, before they linked arms, they continued venturing down the corridor - eventually finding it.


	7. Foes, Fencing, and Fuck ups

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter!!

*****

For the next two hours, she'd been plagued with a severe case of embarrassment. Every time she focused on memorizing her lines, she was jolted back to the abandoned classroom and how...weird she'd behaved. To everyone's belief, Sooyoung was confident, headstrong and quick-witted (not to toot her own horn). She had an inside joke with herself - she called it Sooyoung propaganda. Her ego was how she'd gotten into acting; how she'd made friends; how she'd gotten jobs, etcetera, and she'd worked damn hard to cultivate her people's perceptions of her. Which was why, she didn't know how Kim Jiwoo had managed to break her down to whatever the fuck that was. They weren't even friends! Light years from it, even if the distance between them didn't feel so far away. 

Pulling her away from her thoughts was Yeojin who introduced her to a pair of sullen girls - Park Chaewon and Son Hyejoo. What she took away from them, was that they were both extremely introverted (she had no idea how Yeojin had managed to even get them to talk to her), and that they were probably going to get married one day and live in a cottage or something. 

Once the rain started pouring, that was the cue for everyone to leave; Choi Yerim was the first to go, cartwheeling towards the exit. Yearning to go home, she watched everyone chatter insatiably, wrapping their scarves around their necks before taking a well deserved rest. 

But that wasn’t her life.

"Sooyoung?" The composer materialised in front of her like a ghost, her vintage off-white dress only reinforcing her beliefs. Etched into her mind was the ruby necklace that beautified her collarbones.

"I'm to the left of you," she tapped her shoulder, "let's do the fight scene." 

"Have some water," she offered politely, "no dying allowed." 

"Sure." 

Afterwards, she asked her for a favour. "Can you get the props from the back of the theatre?" 

"Ok." 

The bag was heavy, and she swung it over her shoulder like she was Santa Claus. When she arrived, she started ranting, eyebrows knitted into one brow of dismay. "I keep on asking you to get stuff, I'm-" 

"It's fine. What do you want?" 

"The nagak." she replied shyly. There was no trace of a smile on her face whenever Sooyoung was around, but that didn't matter. A few more classes and she'd hopefully be done.

"The what?" 

"It's a seashell horn, used in daechwitas." 

Rummaging through the mysterious bag full of: plastic swords, helmets, and other battle necessities, she yelped. The nagak was an antique, and it was prickly as hell. 

"Outstretch your hand." Setting the sacred instrument into her warm hands, Kim Jiwoo gasped as she cradled it. For the first time that day, Sooyoung smiled.

"Do you like it?" She didn't know why she was making conversation. 

"Yeah." And then her face hardened, and once again, she was guarded, hunched over the seashell horn like she was protecting it from her. Convincing herself she didn't care, she waited for the composer's next orders. 

"The fight scene is at the end of Act 2 Scene 5, when you rebel against the law of the Andong Kim's and they send trained soldiers to 'take care of you'. Got it?" 

"Yeah."

"You don't speak for the majority of the scene, so we'll work up to that later," thank God there was no forcing the emotions out of her, she thought. "but for now just focus on your destinations." 

Now that her script was in hand, she had no actual idea on what to do. What did "focus on your destinations" mean? 

Piping up, Kim Jiwoo answered for her. "Sooyoung. It says you spot the intruders, and grab your sword from the barrel. Which is a few paces behind you." 

"I get that, I'm walking backwards. _ Look at me _ ." she demonstrated. 

Silence cloaked the room as she realised what she'd just said. The composer was on the piano but that didn't make her any less scary. Just like the first time they'd met, she was eerily still. 

An irrevocable sense of shame carved her open, and she thought of asking for forgiveness right there and then, even though she knew it wasn't her place to decide if she deserved it. 

"Back." The composer's voice cracked. She didn't understand but she knew she was fucked. "Go back." 

She followed her commands as if her life depended on it. "I'm here." 

"What happens next?" 

"Jisung and Mark. They're shouting." 

"What happens with you?"  _ I don't know what's going to happen to me _ , she wanted to say. The guilt was fleshing her out, she was more skin than speech. 

"I-" 

"You go right. To protect your sisters." 

One fact that Sooyoung had filed about Kim Jiwoo was that she was loud and bright and she wore her heart on her sleeve. Even when she was mad, her face would go all shades of red and she'd unconsciously pout, and she'd be human. But the Kim Jiwoo she was facing now was cold-blooded and contained, and full of pure unadulterated rage, hissing like a kettle beneath the surface of someone she no longer recognised. Once Sooyoung had accidentally made that stupid fucking comment, she'd hit the girl too close to home. She knew she’d screwed up because she already believed that she was a raging ableist, right from the very first day.

"Then you go backwards again. Shielding them." Each word was a snap.

For the next forty minutes, the composer kept on shooting stage directions at her, repeating sections again and again and again, until she lost it. 

"I can't do this anymore."

"You can't?" she tilted her head, "okay." Scratch what she'd said earlier on, Kim Jiwoo could pull off menacing.

Getting up from her seat, she grabbed her cane.  _ Tap. Tap. Tap.  _ She descended down the stage to help her. "What do you need?" 

"I'll find it." 

Ignoring her, Sooyoung pulled the big bag of props closer to her and scoured for something useful. She didn't know what, her mind was a disarray. 

"Two swords." There was defeat in her voice. 

"Okay." 

Handing her a plastic sword, she took it without a word. "To the stage." Trying to gauge whether her rage was subsiding or if she was just internalising it, warily, she linked arms with her. Once they were up, a sneer of cold command bellowed from Kim Jiwoo, and she recoiled from her grasp.

"Start the scene. I'm Jisung."  _ Go backwards _ , her mind told her. She had to pretend to grab a sword. 

"Kim Honseol! Come out here!" She was playing the brother of Kim Honsool. Fuck. 

Sword in one hand and cane in the other, she advanced towards Sooyoung. She had to protect her sisters.

"For the crime you have committed," she gritted her teeth, "your head on a pike shall pay the price." 

And with a furious sweeping of her cane, she lunged forwards towards her. Legs bent, right arm and foot extended, her sword sliced through the belly of the air- 

Ducking, she tried to defend herself by stepping backwards to dodge her blow. She was meant to be winning!

But a quick scan of the cane on her feet drove the tip of her sword into her chest.

"Again." This time it was Sooyoung who decided. The composer nodded. And they resumed, the girl cutting through her blows ruthlessly. She parried, but then switched - going for a counterattack. 

"Aha!" 

She'd nicked her on the arm. 

"Again." 

Thrilled, she was thrilled as they barraged each other with blows. The composer was edging closer, her dress never hindering her. 

"Come on Kim-" she huffed, "show me how good!" she dodged a lunge, "you are!" An opening. 

"Good luck." 

Exploding into action, the composer parried and sidestepped, then lunged again with her right foot and drove her sword everywhere. Up! Right! A tap of the cane- 

The hilt of her sword landed right where her emerald necklace would've been. She couldn't tear her eyes away from her as her face broke into a massive smile, cheeks red from all of the exercise. Sooyoung was out of breath as the sword tickled her neck. Tipping her head back, Kim Jiwoo laughed, driving the sword from the base of her neck to her jaw. 

"I got you there." she smiled. 

"You did." she gulped. 

"Again." 

Re-matching for the final time, Kim Jiwoo saluted her, before diving into an assault. 

"Get closer," Sooyoung blocked the lunge aimed at her left shoulder, "I dare you to." 

"Like you could do," clash of swords, "any better." She couldn't help but notice how low her voice could be, she wanted to hear it over and-

Another lunge! But only Jiwoo’s leg was too overextended, and she lost balance. Toppling over the edge of the stage was her right foot, and Sooyoung's head reeled so hard she saw stars. 

Until she caught her, reeling her back. She was done with swords.

"I'm sorry," she spluttered, "I'm such an idiot, I can't believe I let you-" Silencing her with the flat end of the sword on her neck, she shook her head. "Let's do it one more time." 

"No way!" she reprimanded, "there's no way I'm letting us do this again-" 

Retracting the sword from her neck, she answered. "Because I'm blind? Is that why?" 

In her mind, she was scavenging for a right way to answer. 

"I was right." she muttered to herself. 

"Well...yeah! You literally can't see where the end of the stage is," she ranted freely, "what happens if you fall? Then what?" 

"I have my cane." she replied coolly. 

"It's not enough." 

Irresponsibly, she tilted her head to the side. Like she gave no fucks. "Who are you to say?" 

And before she knew it, she was bombarding her with attacks from all sides. Left! Right! Quickly. She needed to think. 

Sidestepping to the right, the composer's assaults missed her by a few inches. Sooyoung thrust her sword forward, aiming for her left shoulder. Expertly, Jiwoo disarmed her, the tiniest of smirks on her lips.

"What! Are you doing?" 

"Challenging you." Sooyoung's laws on social constructs and how to fucking behave were being uprooted with each and every strike. She wanted her attention. 

She lunged. "I always win in the end." A beat. "So do I." 

But her plan had paid off because she'd backed her up against the back of the theatre. Parrying her blow one final time, she then struck her in the chest.

"Guess who won." Shaking her head, Jiwoo refused to answer, the smirk still there as bright as ever. Up close, she was prettier than she imagined in her head, Sword dragging from her chest, upwards, she wanted to not think for a second. Her collarbones like wings, spread from the base of her throat to the ends of her shoulders. A bird held down by skin. 

"Why aren't you answering?" She was curious and her cheeks were still rosy. 

"I refuse to believe you won." 

She missed that pout on her face. "That's not fair." 

"Ha Sooyoung, I let you." Her heart was thrumming in her chest with the way she said her name. 

Twirling the hilt of the sword on her pretty neck, she paused. "I think it's only fair if you admit that I won."

"Make me."

What drove her crazy was the way she'd said it. With brazen assurance, the composer pulled her in by the front of her turtleneck and she was sure she could feel her heart lurching in her chest. Sooyoung had to remind herself that her life wasn't a movie and she was reading into things too much. 

But she was so close and stupidly beautiful and she didn't deserve it at all. What was it? Her. Jiwoo asking her, with the tiniest of doubts, if she could touch her, and she nodded, dropping her sword like an idiot who was too far gone. 

Her words were comforting but her hands were eternally reassuring when they glided across her cheek. A promise. More than ever she wished she could look the composer in the eyes and kiss the smile that lit up her face. 

Like they'd done it time and time again, Jiwoo's left hand grazed her lips, and she held her breath. 

"Are you okay?" 

"Hm." Her mind was racing. 

And then finally, Sooyoung softly cupped her jaw and leaned in closer.

Abruptly, something started buzzing - a timer. She was on fire. What the hell was she doing! They weren't friends, they couldn't touch each other's faces. They weren't friends at all. She didn't like the girl, they were at each other's throats all the time. 

In the back of her mind, the sound of the timer interposed itself with the voice taunting her.  _ That's not what friends do. That's not what friends do. That's not what friends do. _ Sooyoung needed to get away. 

"I can't come tomorrow," she distanced herself, "for the extra hours." 

"Why?" Her expression was neutral, but the blush creeping up her neck said otherwise. 

"I have obligations."

"What do you have?"

"Work." Her jaw was taut and Sooyoung knew that meant she was pissed off. Good. 

"Another job?" 

"Yeah. People have those." 

"Don't lie to me," for a second she grimaced, "if you're acting was half as good as your lying-" The composer was burning bridges, and she wanted to scream. 

"Shutup!" she hissed. 

_ "Pray with me _ ," she mimicked, "that's how you say it!" 

Red-faced, she lashed out as hard as she could. "Your techniques are shit! What were we doing here for two hours? Play fighting for God's sake," she growled, "this is a shit company with b-list staff and-" 

Thundering down the stairs, she furthered the distance between them, as far as she could go. 

"All you'll ever be is b-list!" 

She stopped in her tracks. And then the world resumed. 

"Stop! Stop!" 

Storming in through the doors was Kim Jungeun and Jung Jinsoul.

"What's happening?" Demanding an answer was the producer; she dictated through a distorted megaphone. 

"No one's gonna say anything? Aish, seriously." Kicking the doors closed, she rushed towards the composer before guiding her down the stage. 

Two metres in front of her was Kim Jiwoo with a frown on her pretty face. She didn't care. 

Striding up to her was the director, but this time, rather than fear, her blood only boiled. "You two," a prod on her chest and a tap on Jiwoo's, "are clowns." Silence. 

"Let that sink in." 

Massaging the bridge of her nose, Jungeun glowered. "You know this is the fifth time you've fought? In two weeks." 

"Jungeun-ah," Kim Jiwoo had finally opened her mouth, "it won't happen again. I swear." Squeezing her hand, she turned to face the producer.

"No. It won't." And just like that, the fear she'd so casually forgotten was instilled in her again. Glancing at the director, who looked more disappointed than anything, she felt ashamed. Even though she shouldn't have been, because she wasn't going to let herself get-

"I don't care what you two were arguing about but I need to look on the bright side." Visceral anger was pooling in her dark brown eyes. "We are only at the beginning stages of the show which means anyone can be replaced," Sooyoung was queasy, "with no issue."

Cutting in was the director. "Ha Sooyoung, would you like to leave?" 

"No." She was sick to her stomach. 

The two bosses shared a glance. 

"Listen to me, if you fight one more time, and I mean it, you'll be out. Tomorrow, you both have extra rehearsals right?" 

"Yes." 

"Compromise, both of you," she squeezed the composer's hand, "I don't care what you do. But I'm not going to carry around dead weight whilst we're working on this production. Do you understand?" In unison, they agreed.

"Great," Jinsoul smiled, "I'm glad you can both settle on something." 


	8. The Halloween Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are things changing for our main protagonists? Tune in, for a Halloween special.

_ Yeojin (bean): I can't wait till you all see my costume  _

_ Son Hyejoo: Can't w8 to burn my eyes out  _

_ Yeojin (bean): Festive :)) _

_ Markus: I'm dressing up as Reiner from attack on titan  _

_ Park Chaewon: ...you guys are dressing up? _

_ Lee Yubin: ^^ _

The halloween dinner was in two hours, and Sooyoung had no intention whatsoever to find a costume. Her enthusiasm was at a modest -10 and out 10; in fact the only reason she was coming was because she was in hot water. 

Throughout the week, she'd hoped the director and producer had forgotten about the whole hating Kim Jiwoo ordeal, but they hadn't. Constantly surveying her group was Kim Jungeun, not even pretending to be subtle. But at least she wasn't as bad as Jung Jinsoul, who'd literally brought a microscope to watch her from afar like a creep. She'd known because once she'd made eye contact with her and she furiously slammed it down onto her lap. 

_ One new message @Polaris Peeps. _

_ Yeojin (bean): Guys...you're all theater majors  _

_ Yeojin (bean): Don't act like this doesn't turn you on _

__ Im Yeojin was weird, that was for sure. 

_ Choi Yerim: fjwjs you're lucky Jinsoul isn't seeing this  _

_ Yeojin (bean): why ;) _

_ Choi Yerim: She'd be laughing in all caps fjejz _

_ Kim Bora: Wait guys, would it be appropriate if i came in as a sexy little red riding hood?  _

_ Yeojin (bean): Omg do it  _

_ Kim Minji: Why!!!are you like this!!! _

_ Choerry: yes :D do it  _

__ Turning off her phone, Sooyoung hunted through her limited wardrobe variety for something to wear. 

Last Tuesday, she'd gotten Haseul to cut her hair just below her shoulders. She didn’t know why, but then again, Sooyoung was known for being impulsive. Afterwards, Haseul facetimed Kahei, and for the next fifteen minutes they wouldn't stop screaming about it. The whole ordeal had made her realise, for the first time in her life she had short hair, and she looked damn good. 

After half an hour, she'd eventually settled on: black, tapered trousers that were actually comfortable; a matching cropped turtleneck with some gold jewellery lazily strung over, and an oversized black blazer so she wouldn't freeze to death. Inexperienced when it came to her hair, she focused on applying some bb cream and nailing her eyeliner. Makeup was therapeutic at the best of times. Once she applied her cherry lip balm; grabbed her handbag and her script, she left to meet her small acquaintance - Yeojin. 

By seven pm, the full moon was already out and the shadows that danced on the pavement were nothing but sinister, latching onto Sooyoung with every hurried stride. One thing she believed in was the supernatural, and she was pretty sure the spirits of some woeful soul were tagging along with her that night.

The night air was cold, and unpitiful, curdling her fingers and toes. She spotted her local 7/11 (the neon sign flickering ominously) and she decided to buy something to bring to the director's house. 

It was warm inside and she was grateful. Scanning the shelves, the first thing she got was a fairly big assortment of chocolates (her wallet screamed as she went for the more expensive looking brand), and then she directed herself straight to the wine. Would one bottle be enough? She hoped so. Briefly, she paused to look at the strawberry wine, deliciously pink. She wondered if Jiwoo liked the taste of strawberries. Or did she prefer cherries? Shaking her head, she bought  _ 'Michelle Columbia Valley Merlot'.  _

Five minutes later and she was out, her poor abs exposed and frozen solid in the cold. There were some people with cheap masks on entering the metro station, and she was glad she wasn't one of them. Freezing, she waited for Im Yeojin, the spunky university student.

"Boo!" Ambushing Sooyoung from behind, she let out a yelp as she laid her eyes upon Yeojin's costume. 

She was baffled. "Is that a hazmat suit?" 

"Sooyoung," she laughed raucously as she took her hand, "how old are you?

"What do you mean?" 

"I'm the orange imposter!" 

She might as well have been speaking Russian. "Imposter?" 

"From the game among us. Do you want to know why I'm an imposter?" 

Once they got onto the subway, Yeojin, who was completely unfazed by the lingering stares, zipped up her helmet(?), so she couldn't see her face. 

"Wow, I'm kind of impressed." She admired her cute little helmet. 

"Ta-da!" In a flourish, she yanked out a scarily real looking knife. 

"Yeojin-ah!" she whisper-shouted, "you can't do that shit here, what would your parents think?" 

A muffled voice came from the orange suit. "I don't care what people think anymore. Be yourself, the people who love you will stick by your side." Then she dabbed.

"University's been rough, huh?" She zipped open her helmet, so she could be vulnerable with her. 

"Yeah…" Yeojin perked up, "but I'm excited for tonight - we're going to get drunk." she smiled mischievously. Sooyoung patted her head and she pushed the thought of Jiwoo away. 

"It's not going to be like a university party that we're going to. It's a work meeting, Yeojinnie." 

Eyes widening, she buried her head in her hands. "Shutup…" 

"Are you telling me you thought we were going to get drunk with the directors?" 

"Well um. Now that I think about it - shit! I'm not used to work meetings, man."

"I mean it's fine, it's not like you spent all your money on alcohol." 

"About that." 

Conspiratorially beckoning her to come closer, she wasn't prepared for her pouch to hold an eight pack of cider.

By the time Yeojin had finished complaining about all of the money she'd spent, they were ringing the door to Jung Jinsoul's villa. 

The villa was a mid 18th century imitation of some gothic, Normandy type place - the walls were expansive and rich, a formidable dark brown, whilst the beams that held the fortified villa were as black as night. Yellow lanterns illuminated the spacious driveway, and she thought she'd fallen in love. She tried to soak in all of the details before she was brought inside because at least Sooyoung could live vicariously through Jung Jinsoul.

"Hey," the owner smiled cordially, "welcome to my place." Greeting her enthusiastically, Yeojin barged in. "Hi Jinsoul!" 

"Agh! What the hell are you wearing?!" she joked, giving Sooyoung a worried glance. 

"She's an imposter from some video game. Show her the knife-" 

"Aish! You're giving me heart attacks here. Anyway, come in, some of us are cooking and some are playing games, so feel free to do whatever." 

"Thankyou." 

"I like your fit!" Yeojin yelled before yanking Sooyoung inside, then running off somewhere. She did have a nice outfit on, and she wished she had said it instead. Her being Howl from Howl's moving castle had made her reminiscent of her childhood.

There was a winding staircase that was also spruce brown, with a built in lighting system so that whenever someone walked down, it would light up. Currently, two girls she sort of recognised were drifting down. 

"Ha Sooyoung?" In front of her, was indeed, a sexy red riding hood. By her side, she realised the other person was Lee Siyeon, who was dressed as the joker. Slashed red lipstick and all. 

"Hey," she greeted (she'd forgotten the first girl's name), "I like both of your outfits." 

"Ah, thankyou!" the red riding hood woman blushed, "Siyeon and I were just upstairs, the whole place is crazy." 

"Seriously, crazy," Siyeon emphasised, "we had a session in the karaoke room. It was great." she smirked. Half punching the other girl - embarrassed - they carried on conversing.

"Let's go to the dining room." Red riding hood decided. 

"Bora! You're missing out on the swimming pool." Her name was Bora. At first, Bora was holding Sooyoung's hand, but then she let go, raising her eyebrows in curiosity. 

"Are we allowed?" 

"Yep," Siyeon affirmed, "Soulie is really chill."

"Are you sure…" 

"Yes! I wouldn't lie to a student of mine." 

"Stop calling me your student." 

"Only when you stop calling me your teacher," a beat, "actually no, I like it." Cringing, Bora playfully punched her. By now, Sooyoung had realised that they were probably hooking up, or about to in the next thirty minutes. 

"Sooyoung, you coming?" She noticed how Siyeon's eyes were hauntingly intense, even when she seemed relatively easy going. 

"I'm fine, I'll see you in the dining room." 

The first thing that hit her was the smell - an amalgamation of grilled pork, cheap liquor, and fermented vegetables. 

"Hey! Sooyoung!" Jungeun yelled from the warm kitchen, wearing relatively normal clothes, and grilling a ton of meat like a dad. 

"Hey!" She had to shout over the music, coming from further down the room, and because of all of the frying that was being done. 

Advancing closer, her chest tightened a little as she spotted a familiar looking cane on the lap of Kim Jiwoo. She was on a swivel chair, chatting to Markus animatedly, who donned a patriotic looking uniform. 

"I thought this was a work meeting!" Sooyoung commented.

Laughing, Jungeun pointed to the untouched peppers. "By work, I mean please cut these vegetables." 

"Aw," she pouted, "I wanted to party with the others." 

"We can always work on your lines if you want." she smiled evilly. 

"Shutup…" 

Getting to work, she quickly rolled up her sleeves, and started cutting thinly-sliced peppers.

"I love this song," Jungeun wiggled her eyebrows (she knew it was BTS and that was it), "Jiwooming!" 

"Yes?" 

"They call me- 

Japchae!" They exclaimed in unison. 

"Because we're making japchae, and the lyrics are baepsae," she nudged her, "you get me?" 

"I get you." 

Swallowing her fear, she ditched the vegetables and pursued the girl. 

"Markus! Season three is so good, tell me your reaction to everything!" 

"I will!" 

On the count of three, she was going to talk to Kim Jiwoo.  _ One, two, three!  _

"Hey," she tapped her on the shoulder, "this is Sooyoung here." 

"Oh. Hey." She swivelled around to face her. Fuck.

"I like your outfit." Sooyoung had meant it. She was wearing a pretty pink oversized cardigan, completely contrasting with the various greys, black and dark reds that engulfed the room. 

"Thanks. I would say I like yours too but…" 

Wanting to laugh, but not risking what could come as a consequence, she sort of muttered an 'it's fine.' An awkward silence ensued and Sooyoung drummed her fingers on the table. 

"Do you like the director's villa?" 

Tilting her head, she answered. "I like how spacious it is, it's quite grand, you know?" 

"Yeah!" she jumped on the answer, "it's actually really gothic, which I find cool." 

"You're probably right." She gave her a small smile. 

If she wasn't wracked with nerves, she would've asked her about where she would want to live. 

"Sooyoung?" A small part of her wanted to pretend not to hear just so she could say her name again. 

"Yeah?" 

"Where do you want to live when you're older?" 

She smiled at her, and coughed down the want to touch her earring, the fabric of her shirt. "I don't think I know yet. I'm a bit clueless."

"That's okay." 

"I'm gonna ask you the same question. Jiwoo." 

"Okay." 

"Where do you want to live?

A ghost of a smile appeared on her face and she chased it with one of her own. 

"Hm. I wouldn't mind living in Seoul for the rest of my life. It's hectic and full of life and when the winter comes I like to stay inside and watch so many movies." 

"What's your favourite movie?" 

"I have loads," she buzzed, "I need to think." 

"You can express yourself, it's okay." 

Sooyoung didn't think anyone was immune to her charm so she gave Jiwoo her hand to squeeze. "I love a lot of Western films - not like cowboys, but like from the West. Like the Lion King, and Mulan, and Tangled! Jungeun-ah loves Tangled so much, I love her." 

"Those are just Disney films." She pointed out. Stroking Sooyoung’s hand, she defended herself. "I love La La Land. Which isn't Disney, last time I checked." 

A pause.

"I heard you play Mia and Sebastian's theme. It was incredible." 

Just as suddenly as it had brightened, the mood dampened without a hint of warning. Watching as Jiwoo pulled her hand away from hers, she felt oddly frustrated. They might as well have just met. She didn't want to pressure the girl into telling her why she was so upset, but she wanted to know what had gone wrong.

"Sooyoung! What did I tell you about these vegetables!" 

"Sorry!" 

Once the food was done, all twenty five of them ate heartily on the banquet table. Skimming over the large group, Sooyoung identified Jinsoul at the front end, a few faces she didn't know in the middle (she was sandwiched between Soyeon and Jisung), and the drunkards were at the end.  _ So much for impressing Jinsoul,  _ she thought, as Yeojin's head plopped into a bowl of samgyeopsal. At least she didn't have her helmet on. 

Making eye contact with Jungeun she told her she would eat well. 

"Good!"

Ravenous, she dug into the kimchi first, not pausing to blow on her food before the ginger kicked in. She must've eaten every last morsel. Once everyone else had sort of caught up, she moved onto the stir-fried noodles, all of the grilled meat, dripping with oil and seasoning, and the fermented vegetables that the chefs of the house had dedicated their time to. She didn't stop eating for a while, and if it weren't for the brassy atmosphere, she would've felt a little self-conscious. Cleansing her palate with some cider, Sooyoung was happy. 

"I'd like to proclaim a toast!' Jinsoul began, and the quietness rippled over the room. 

"I just want to say, thank you so much for already doing so well, I really appreciate the amount of work you put in. It's taken about two years to conceptualize this all and I, um, just really appreciate you."

"Here, here!" Someone shouted, and she found herself joining in with the cries. 

"Now who wants to watch Whispering Corridors in the movie room?" 

After making sure everyone actually cleared up, the drunk creating more mess than they cleaned, everyone carried various snacks and clambered up the beautiful spruce stairs into the movie room. 

"Wow~" Someone whispered. They were right. With a room fortified by pillows, an IMAX size screen and romantic lighting, Sooyoung had never envied Jinsoul more. How the hell did she own a place like that? Villa was a modest word used to describe the property.

Taking her space somewhere in the far left, she sank into satin pillows. From behind her, Bora chatted animatedly to Siyeon, who was comfortably back hugging her since she was literally on her lap. 

Whipping her head back round, she spotted Jiwoo. She was being guided into the room by Jinsoul and Jungeun; anyone could tell she was nervous. The floor was fluffy and misleading, and there were so many people talking as well. Sooyoung moved closer to the entrance. Carefully, her friends set her down onto a mound of pillows before high-fiving each other. 

It had just so happened that Jiwoo was sitting next to Sooyoung.

"Hi, sorry,” she smiled politely, “who's this?" She wondered how many times the girl had to repeat that sentence.

"Sooyoung." 

"Oh. Right." 

Popping up from the other side of her was Jungeun. "Hey Sooyoung." 

"Hey, are you ready for the movie?" If it weren't for the fact that she was being paid dust, she would've easily called her a friend. Suddenly, she recalled what Jiwoo had said about a raise. 

"Obviously, it's a classic." 

"Why do you have a notepad with you?" 

In a flash, Jinsoul appeared from above her, arms draping over Sooyoung's head whilst she chewed on her pen. "We're taking notes to help with our future works~" 

"That's really cool." 

"Oh my god, you're so cute," Jinsoul hit Jungeun, "she's so impressed with us." 

They all laughed, including Jiwoo, and she struggled to keep a straight face. 

"Whatever." 

"Everyone, be quiet! The movie is starting. Just warning you, if you need to go home, go home now." 

A few people got up and left, but the majority of them stayed in the home theater. The shift Sooyoung had picked up for the next day would have to deal with her tiredness. 

The cult classic started and goosebumps erupted on her body. Now  _ this  _ was a good film. 

For the next thirty minutes even the drunken idiots hushed. "Fuck!" Jungeun yelled as the window smashed into pieces. All of them giggled, slightly tense. 

Smiling up at Jungeun was Jiwoo, her head resting comfortably on her shoulder. Sooyoung hoarded more pillows for herself. 

Throughout the movie, she’d learned that Jinsoul loved talking. "She's so hot, I'm losing it!" Her friends didn’t seem to mind though.

"What, Mrs Park," Jiwoo started cackling, "she sounds so old though!" 

"Geez, I didn't know you were into the elderly…." Jungeun trailed off. 

Jinsoul calmed their quarries. "I'm just kidding, come on guys. Mr Oh is obviously the most attractive." 

Half distracted by her, Sooyoung jumped when Mrs Park was literally strangled with a noose.

"No!" She could hear Jisung and Markus exclaim in unison. 

Halfway in, when the tension had begun picking up again, Sooyoung reached for some popcorn to eat, but was only met with kernels and another hand.

"Agh!" 

Of course she knew whose hand it was, clasping hers, as blood trickled down the wall of a school bathroom. Despite the chill that had swept the room, her hands were warm and she took the liberty of gazing at the other girl for no good reason. 

In fact during the entirety of the scene she could only pay attention to the number of times she squeezed her hand at random intervals, each touch like lightning. Humiliatingly, whenever something scary happened, she inched closer towards her. The other girl did the same. By then, if she were with someone she liked, she'd have put her arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer, but she didn't like the composer so it was different. 

Maybe she'd love to become friends with Jiwoo. 

And when the other girl ever so subtly nestled her head onto Sooyoung's shoulder, she accepted it.

Whilst the movie was finishing, she remembered how close they had been the other week. How she'd cupped her jaw. How Jiwoo smiled had pulled her closer by her shirt. When Jiwoo almost fell because she was too caught up in fighting her. The movie had finished, but she scarcely remembered what had happened.

Getting up to leave, she realised the girl was glued to her. Hand in hand, head on lap and body pressed against hers. She was also sleeping. 

"Jungeun? What do I do?" But she was knocked out as well, mouth hanging wide open. Sooyoung wished she could take a picture. 

Making an impulsive decision, she slipped one hand under her chest, and the other under her kneecaps - hoisting her up, bridal style. "Okay." she huffed, placing her onto the barrage of pillows as delicately as possible. Checking the time, she realised she had to go - it read out,  _ 1:30 am.  _

"Sooyoung?" Jiwoo. Voice soft and a little gravelly from sleep. She'd failed. 

Crouching down, she held her hand. "Hi. It's me. We're in the movie room, with about fifteen other people." 

Furrowing her eyebrows, she nodded. "Okay." 

Fortunately, she knew the girl well enough to know that something was up. "What's wrong?" 

"It's nothing." 

"Tell me," patiently, "please." 

"I won't be able to sleep here. Agh," she slapped her knee, "I need to go upstairs to Jinsoul's guest room. From what I remember."

"Don't worry. Can I take you there?" 

"By carrying me?" The composer looked awfully nervous.

"Yeah." 

"Okay." 

Fumbling for footing, Sooyoung secured herself, before lifting the girl up. 

"Let's go." 

Out of the room they went, Jiwoo almost curled up in her arms, her heart going a hundred miles per hour. 

"Am I heavy?" she bit her lip as they trekked up the spruce stairs. 

"Sooyoung?" 

"Sorry, I'm just concentrating." She didn't want them to split and crack their heads open, she'd seen enough horror movies for the night. 

"Okay." 

They'd made it onto a dimly-lit corridor, identical brown doors lining the floor.

"Which room is it, Jiwoo?"

"...The first one on the left I think." 

"Okay." 

"I can sense the relief in your voice." 

"You're just tired." She grinned exhaustedly before entering the room with the queen-sized bed.

"I'm gonna put you in the middle of the bed now." 

"Thankyou." 

Sooyoung stopped and collected her thoughts for a second. "Let me get your cane for you." 

Once she returned, Kim Jiwoo was burrowed underneath the duvet, with only her head sticking out. "It's balanced against the bedside table next to the bed. Are you okay?" 

A long silence ensued and she was scared she'd screwed up again. "I think I...um. Yeah. I'm okay." 

"Are you sure?" she asked, awkwardly looming over the bed. 

"Are Jinsoul or Jungeun awake?" 

She shook her head, "No." 

"Can you um. Never mind." 

"Tell me." Facing Sooyoung's general direction, she blushed. She knew because the moonlight filtered in through a slit in the mid-century curtains.

"Please don't judge me." 

"I won't." She said easily.

"Damn I-I just, can you please sleep here with me?" Embarrassed, she turned away from Sooyoung, cocooned in her own world.

"Yeah." Sooyoung swallowed. 

"Not like that," she heard her ramble, "it's just in unfamiliar places I get kind of stressed and I understand if you think I'm a weirdo or something-" 

"I said yeah," she repeated, "don't worry." 

Before she went into bed with Jiwoo, she found a dusty pair of pyjamas and changed into them.

"I'm here." She let her know, tapping her shoulder. 

Tiredly, she turned around to face her, but the only difference between then and now was that she had no sunglasses on her face. Her eyelids were shut tight. Sooyoung was so used to seeing her with them on, that she was slightly dumbstruck. The sunglasses were cute and distinctive; she could count the amount of times they’d slid off during rehearsals, but without them, she could see how her bangs framed her round face, and she bet that if she smiled, it would reach her eyes.

"Surprise," Jiwoo whispered, "this is me." Sooyoung wasn’t deserving of her openness - she’d hurt her, and not for the first time either. 

"You're pretty." Wanting to erase everything that had happened between them, she searched for one of her hands under the duvet, and clasped it. The composer laughed, and the smile did reach her eyes. She was ethereal.

"Tomorrow, or the day after, or whenever you want," she began to promise, "let's get coffee together." 

"Okay." She couldn't help but trace circles up and down her arm. 

Without warning, she saw Jiwoo take off her cardigan and instantly she averted her eyes. 

"You can hug me if you want." 

She stared at her for the longest time. 

"Okay." 


	9. Working through it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know I couldn't help but adding that 2jin in the beginning

"Table two! We need a server at table two!" 

Wednesday evenings were long and strenuous, but thankfully quieter than any other day of the week. Only wealthy middle-class families could afford to eat out on a Wednesday, or portentous old men with time to spare. Either way, it meant she was usually tipped well. 

To pass the time, she tried to sneak off by the bar where two of her friends were busy making cocktails or flirting with each other non-stop.

Stretching over the counter, she suppressed a yawn, "can I order one martini?" 

"Coming right up." Hyunjin replied apathetically. 

"Thankyou- hey!" 

Spraying her with the same stuff they used to clean the tables, she scowled. "Oh my god, tell your girlfriend she needs to get a grip on you!" 

"Heejinnie, am I wrong to spray this delinquent?" 

Greeting her in a red plaid shirt (the ends were knotted together), and flared blue jeans, she thought she looked cool as hell. Hyunjin actually needed to get together with her before someone else did. 

"Why do you need to spray this alcoholic?" 

"She needs a good spraying." 

And then Heejin kissed Hyunjin’s cheek, before leaving to grab something.

"You guys?" she couldn’t believe her eyes, "are you guys together?" 

Casually shrugging, but very obviously revelling in her shock, she answered. "Since June." 

"B-but. You two didn't even get together during quarantine! And you were stuck in the same apartment for six whole months." 

"Yep." She sprayed her face but she didn't even register it. 

Questions of: how, why and who confessed first, bombarded her mind.

"So who did it first!?" 

"Me." 

Her head reeled. Never in any lifetime, did she expect her to have the guts. As much as an oddball Hyunjin could be, she knew she treasured the idea of friendship more than anything. 

"Oh my God. Tell me more." 

"Fine," she propped her elbow against the bar counter, "I ended up telling her in the park," a giggle escaped from her, "it was quite random and Heejinnie choked on her bread roll." 

"Of course." 

Sighing deeply, Hyunjin opened up to her. "I should've put the ring inside the bread roll…." 

"What?" 

"Just kidding, I'll find a way to propose well." 

Propose? For the entirety of her time at Delilah’s restaurant, Hyunjin had been reserved, a little cryptic, and unbelievably in love with Jeon Heejin. A year later, she was openly discussing her marriage plans. 

"How did you confess to her?" 

Flustered, she started laughing loudly, clapping her hands in disbelief. "Man, it wasn't even romantic at all. Heejinnie was dancing her spaghetti dance, it's like she just jumps up and down really fast on the spot. Anyway," her laughter subsided, "She was just being an idiot and I told her I was in love with her and...yeah."

"Wow." 

Sooyoung had discovered that love worked strangely, and she was happy for them, above all.

"Ah, don't worry, I'll let you know how the proposal goes." 

Snapping back to reality, she sent her a thumbs up. "Good! Good. I've gotta go now, my shift is ending." 

"Lucky bastard." she heard Hyunjin call out before she started jogging to the cafe a few streets away. 

The composer had agreed to meet her at 5:30pm, which meant she would be right on time. Although on her way to Kini’s cafe, there was a newsagent, so she bought some chocolate - admittedly cheaper than last time but hopefully couldn’t go wrong.

Chewing on her nails as she left the shop, she mulled over the events of the halloween dinner. At one point, the composer had told her how they needed to get coffee, but the catch was, she had no idea why. To be truthful, she had no idea how to dress, act, be around Kim Jiwoo - a musical prodigy whose feelings concerning Sooyoung changed every five seconds. It was possible she'd come to confess to her that she hated her, once and for all. It was even possible that them cuddling and the stupid hand squeezes they'd shared that night were a way of saying goodbye, she didn't know. 

"Shut up." she muttered underneath her breath. She was being an idiot. 

Turning the corner onto an isolated side street, with only a few cars dotting the area, she entered the cafe. Quaint and rustic, with ivy adorning the weathered ceiling and servers milling around tables like old friends, Sooyoung understood why the composer had brought her there. 

Spotting Jiwoo at the very back, with a smile on her face (it seemed to be her default expression), she worked her way around spindly tables and chairs to reach her. 

"Hey, it's me. Sooyoung." 

"Hey!" 

Reaching out blindly, her jaunty sunglasses sliding down her face, she grasped her hand. Nerves gnawed at her, and she ended up shaking it. 

"I really like this place." she complimented.

"I do too," the smile was still on her face, "you should try their banana bread, it's to die for. Seriously, so good." Right away, she noticed how Jiwoo was trying to make conversation with her, instead of putting up walls or arguing with her. Her kindness felt foreign to her, but she suppressed the anxiety she felt because of it.

"I love banana bread," she'd piqued her interest, "I make good banana bread, not to brag." 

"Is it as good as this cafe's?" 

"Of course. But," she tapped the pink glass bottle hanging from the ceiling, "you can't get any now for doubting me." 

She crossed her arms. "Hey!" 

"Maybe if you beg, I'll decide to give you some." she teased. 

"Sooyoung-ah! All of these tricks you're playing just so you can get my attention."

Ears tinged, she laughed. "As if." 

They'd fallen into easy conversation like they'd done it a million times before: Jiwoo squealing in frustration with every annoying antic, Sooyoung leaning forward to catch all of her stories, stories about how her, Jungeun and Jinsoul had tried to learn Spanish on a whim. Before, she'd never known that Jiwoo had perfect pitch, as if God had the sentiment to spare her one part of herself. 

When the banana bread had arrived, alongside a mug of hot chocolate and a piping cup of black coffee, Jiwoo asked her what the age sixteen meant to her. Her smile was so big, and she was nodding along to everything she had said as if she were hearing her for the first time. She couldn’t not answer her. 

"At sixteen, I met one of my best friends Haseul. She was always diligent and hardworking-" 

"Ooh! A bug. I think." Sitting on her right shoulder was a fly.

Amused, she fired back with: "Am I bug to you?" 

"Sorry. Sorry. Carry on." The fly buzzed off. 

"Long story short, we ended up fooling about a lot," she was overcome with nostalgia, "to relieve her stress." 

"Like playing games?" 

Jiwoo, bundled up in her woolly grey jacket and black scarf, looked particularly naive. Precious even.

"No…" she rolled her eyes, grinning, "like alcohol." 

Her mouth widened. "Oh! I see." 

"Do you ever drink?" 

"Ah~ no. I don't ever loosen up that way." 

Traipsing into uncharted territory, she gave her a question. "Is it scary for you or something? 

Pursing her lips, the smile slipped from the corners of her mouth. 

"I'm sorry, I thought that might've been too personal." Her wariness regarding her had resurfaced, notes of panic worming into her mind. 

Before Sooyoung started to spiral, Jiwoo drew in a deep breath and confronted her. "Are you an ableist?" 

She hadn't expected that. Plainly facing her, Jiwoo gave the impression of staring right through her.

"No." There was still no trace of a smile on her face.

"Then why did you make that joke about me on the first day?" 

She exhaled, reliving the first day. The shame she'd buried after convincing herself she didn't need to apologise had only resulted in residual anxiety. At that moment, with Jiwoo asking her about it; with nowhere for Sooyoung to escape to, the guilt was being pried open.

"The joke. The joke," she said eventually, "it was a complete accident." 

"What do you mean by accident,” her supercilious glare had softened, “You don't accidentally make a joke out of someone’s blindness, you know." 

"I,” her heart was pounding, “on the first day, after I saw you play Mia and Sebastian’s theme, I wanted to mention how great of a pianist you were. But everyone took it the wrong way and I didn't apologise because," she was blushing and she hated it, "well, you insulted my acting. Which hurt a bit." 

Jiwoo's expression remained unchanged, even though she really wanted her to hurry up and say something because she felt like she was being dissected under her gaze. Five seconds. Ten. The knots in her stomach were tightening. 

"Jiwoo?" 

Tentatively, she gave her the smallest of reassurances. Her hand hovering over Sooyoung's. Not thinking to let go, Sooyoung held it tightly. 

"Did you seriously not know I was blind?" Something about her the way she tilted her head when she'd said it made Sooyoung want to cry.

"Yeah."

Clearing her throat, she spoke. "So when you called me weird when I was playing piano, there was another reason? Something to justify it." 

"And when you called my acting shit, was there something to justify it?" 

Squeezing her hand tighter, she nodded. "I'm so sorry for that Sooyoung. It was so stupid of me to act irresponsibly-" 

"Is it true though? My acting," every last word was more than humiliating, "is it shit?" 

"No! God, no. I just…" she trailed off. 

"Yeah." 

"I just knew it would hurt you. That's why I said it. I'm sorry."

"It's fine," she tried to say, "I'm sorry for calling you weird too. It's just you were so cold as soon as I listened to you play, and you didn't turn to say hi or anything but, um, I get it now. You thought I was coming into the room just to marvel at you or something, right?"

Her mouth was drawn tight and Sooyoung was desperately trying to figure her out. 

“I’m so sorry,” she was guilt-ridden too, “I wish there was a better word than sorry.” 

“I’m sorry too.” 

“I forgive you, but what happened was largely my fault. If I wasn’t so stubborn about believing you were an ableist-”

Shaking her head, Sooyoung refuted her point. “Don’t blame yourself. You have your defence mechanisms as much as I do mine...and, I think we just really, really miscommunicated.”

“I agree.” Jiwoo straightened her back. “I want to work through  _ us,  _ with you and. Talk to you more often as well because…” 

“Because what?” Sooyoung was strangely optimistic.

“I was so stupidly stubborn on that Saturday we were together, and yet we still ended up hugging. A lot!” Burying her head in her hands, Sooyoung cringed at any vulnerability she might’ve displayed that night. Halloween was an anomaly.

“So because of that I was wondering, would you like to try and be my friend?” There was an immeasurable amount of hope and warmth on her face, and she couldn’t bring herself to deny her. 

"Yes. Yeah." 

"Good!" 

Breaking into the biggest grin she'd ever seen, Sooyoung couldn't help but do the same. 

"Sooyoung?" 

"Yeah?" she sounded giddy. 

"Come here." 

Making her way over to Jiwoo, she craned her head a little so she could whisper in her ear. Most likely because the noise in the cafe had picked up again. 

"Can I high five you?" 

“Sure.” 

Stepping back, Jiwoo propelled her arm forwards so rapidly that she missed Sooyoung’s hand entirely. They burst out laughing. “Wait, hold on - we can do this.” Sooyoung positioned them both so they weren’t  _ too  _ far away from each other - when they launched into a high-five it was perfect. 

“Yay.” 

Immediately, the smaller girl seized the opportunity to intertwine their hands together instead of letting go, and she actually found herself grinning. “Wow~ you’re making moves on me already, Jiwoo.”

Instead of responding, with full force, Jiwoo used their hands to rope Sooyoung towards her, “Oh my God!” and then to use the momentum to wrap her arms around Sooyoung's body. Hook, line, and sinker. 

Jiwoo was giggling at her petrified reaction as Sooyoung eased into her arms. The other girl snuggled into her neck, just like she had on Saturday, and in her ribcage she could feel her heart bursting. Why had one hug made her feel so incredibly loved?

“Next time, I’ll get you back somehow.” she swore as she pulled away, the atmosphere light and airy.

“I’d like to see you try, Sooyoung.” Putting the banana bread away into Jiwoo’s backpack, she only hummed in response, content at the way she had said her name. 

Abruptly, a timer buzzed and Jiwoo nodded. "It's Lippie and Soulie. They're picking me up." 

If it weren't for the fact that she was going, she would've brought up the endearing nicknames she used for her friends. A part of her wondered if she'd ever get a nickname from Jiwoo and how it would sound like coming from her. 

"I'll wait with you outside the cafe. We're meeting again though right?"

Linking arms with her, they very carefully manoeuvred around the spindly tables, people still dotted around the cafe. "Whenever you have time." 

"I'll have time." 

They thanked the baristas and waited in the bitter autumn weather whilst commuters on their way home hurried themselves down streets. Again, it occurred to her that Jiwoo had never seen anyone in her entire life. 

Shyly, Sooyoung turned to her possible friend, her pretty face illuminated by the lamppost above them. 

"I had a great time today," she was overcome with gratitude, "thankyou, Jiwoo." 

“You’re cold.” she pointed out. 

Jogging briskly towards them was Jinsoul and Jungeun, the initial sight of them still inducing a mini panic response.

"I'm fine. Jinsoul and Jungeun are jogging towards us now." 

"No," Unwrapping her black scarf from her neck, she shook her head. "you're not fine." 

"I am, don't worry." she urged. 

Throwing the scarf around her neck, before stroking her cheek for a second, she gave her a smile of approval. 

"You’re going on the subway right?" 

"Yeah." 

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow, Sooyoung-ah.”

“Yeah.” She felt fuzzy, warm, and a little numb.


	10. It's not a big deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the games begin

It had been about a month and a half, but Haseul had finally started coming home at about a socially acceptable time. Sooyoung knew she was a bad friend for being concerned way too late, whereas Kahei's nerves had already been fraying for two months. 

"So we've  _ finally _ managed to do all of the paperwork for the takeover of Jangga co, and I think we've managed to tie up all the loose ends, but remind me to stay away from companies with a history of tax fraud. Ugh." 

"Tax fraud?" That didn't sound appealing. 

"Yeah," running a hand through her hair, she loosened her tie, "we only found out about halfway through, and it was too late to back out by then. I've been adopting the phrase 'giving Jangga co a new life' under our permit." 

Getting up to massage her friend's shoulders, she told her to strictly relax. "This is your one weekend. Use it wisely. Have a nap?" 

Astute as ever, she gave her a tired grin. "It's nice to see you in a good mood, Sooyoungie," she dug her elbow into her shoulder blades, "ah. Ah. Thankyou…you godsend." 

"As long as you don't start doing aegyo, I'm in a good mood." 

"My aegyo is...is great. When did you learn how to massage like this?" she inquired. 

"I'm a natural," patting her shoulders deftly, she went over to the fridge, "bibimbap?"

"With egg?" Haseul had exhausted herself completely, her motivation chipping away at her like a woodpecker. 

"Yes." 

Slumping over in her seat, she sighed. Sooyoung wished she could protect her from the tantamount of stress she always carried. If Haseul hadn't come home so late every night, she would've probably seen the brave face she put on. 

Whilst she marinated the meat with a generous amount of seasoning and oil, they were in comfortable silence. Zoning out, she thought that one day, if it was possible, she wanted to invite her friends around to the apartment. Even though it wasn’t designed to hold a group of people, she knew at least Yeojin would definitely appreciate the view from the tenth floor. A few nights ago, Kahei had bought a cute mini projector for watching movies on, which meant that her and Jiwoo could finally watch La La Land together. Or hear, in her case. 

"Sooyoungie, I'm so rude," Haseul got up out of shame, "I'm not even helping you, or asking how are you." 

Guiding her back to her chair, she sat her down. "Relax for once," she sliced a carrot, "you're too hardworking - even back in high school you were the exact same." 

"Funnily enough, that's what you always said before convincing me to party with you.." 

"I mean, we always could," she shot her a wink, "we aren't senile yet." 

“I do not listen to bad influences like you. Anyway," she clapped her hands, "tell me, how's work?" 

Fighting down a wave of deja vu, she answered. "It's actually going pretty well." 

"That's good." 

"Yeah, I mean, the play is actually turning out to be impressive, like I was just in rehearsals today with Jiwoo and we choreographed this awesome moment in the last fight scene, where's there's like blood dripping down my face, and I'm holding up this guy's decapitated head in my hands. We showed it to Yerim and she loved it." 

"Wow," she gave her a thumbs up, "Jiwoo's blind, right?" Sooyoung frowned, a bit irked as she began frying the beef.

Jiwoo's defining characteristic wasn't that she was blind - she was also positive and a bit eccentric which really helped when creating plays; she was an amazing pianist and singer who could also compose (and she also played the baroque guitar which was cute), and lastly she was always there whenever you needed help or just felt a bit shit: she'd compliment and hold your hand to no end. 

"Yeah. She's my friend." she swallowed. 

Smiling contentedly, she propped her arms onto the table. "Tell me about your friends."

The vegetables looked promising: crunchy bean sprouts, bulbous mushrooms, carrots and spinach, all shrunken and teeming with juice. 

"My friends are good, we're good. I feel like I'm really close with Jiwoo, Jungeun and Jinsoul. And Yeojin. Which is nice - you should come over sometime to meet them." As of late, she'd also been getting to know Bora and Siyeon much better - apart from incessantly touching each other all of the time, they were both hilarious.

Gasping, her friend's eyes widened, all traces of tiredness miraculously gone. "Aren't three of them like the heads of the company?"

"Oh yeah, ha," a pause, "wow, Haseulie, what are you insinuating?" 

Before she could wring an answer out of her, Haseul’s phone rang. "Hey baby," (Sooyoung didn't think she could call anyone baby unironically ), "you're good? Okay." Laughing, Haseul winked at Sooyoung. "I'm still at work...agh I know. I have to go now." A pause. "I love you too. So much. Okay bye!" 

"Kahei's coming soon?" 

"Yep. Ah," she gazed outside of their window wistfully, "I can't wait to see her." 

Within seconds, her dream had come true. 

"Fuck!" she jumped, "not now!" 

Cackling, Sooyoung started frying three eggs. As Kahei came in, Haseul made a beeline from the door and jumped out from behind.

"Haseulie?" Once again, she felt like she was intruding because she'd never seen Kahei drop her bags so quickly to embrace Haseul, peppering her with small kisses. 

"I've missed you so much." she heard Haseul sigh as Sooyoung began cracking open the soju, straight from the fridge. 

"Dinner's ready!" 

Muttering a word of thanks to Sooyoung, they began eating. Thankful that she was a good cook, she wolfed the food down. It was her first time making gojuchang sauce, and she had clearly appeased the two of their friends, who hummed contentedly. Saving the fried egg for last, the soft yolk an explosion of colour on her plate, she smiled. Life was good.

Putting the plates away in the dishwasher, she excused herself - taking her soju with her into her room so she could revise the rest of her script.

In her opinion, the last scene was the best: caked in blood and dirt, Sooyoung and everyone who participated in the revolution had to kneel down, and then she handed over the sword back to the rightful Queen. She really liked the symbolism behind it, and the fact that it was set in a chapel made the experience much more human. 

Reading through her script, she couldn't wait till the next day. After extra rehearsals with Jiwoo, she was coming over to hers for the first time(!) So they could watch a movie together. 

"May I entreat...upon the highest of dreams…" she circled 'entreat', "your side. Okay." 

For a while she worked comfortably, gazing out of her window once in a while, whilst the rain started pattering. Droplets that joined to fog up her window. 

Her phone rang, and she picked it up, grinning from ear to ear. "Heyyyy." 

"Hi!" 

"Hi!" Sooyoung copied her tone of voice, and she was rewarded with her laughter down the line, “You're cute." .

"Of course I am~ that's what my mother said anyway." 

She spluttered. "Did your mother also call you a liar?" 

"Hey!" Jiwoo huffed, "I'm going to hang up now." 

"I'll cry myself to sleep if you do." 

"Cute," she murmured, a hint of shyness overtaking her, "anyway, how are you?"

Happily, she answered. "I'm good. Just revising the last scene, which Jungeun and Jinsoul executed so well. I need to tell them well done." 

"I'll tell them now - hold on. Guys!" she could make out their muffled voices, "Sooyoungie loves your writing!" Her heart swelled three sizes. 

"Anyway," she giggled, "they said thankyou and also...I have a reason for calling you." 

"And what might that be?" 

"I have a favour to ask." 

"Yeah?" 

Why was her heart thudding? "Jungeun and Jinsoul are going out tomorrow night, and long story short they won't be able to pick me up from yours. So, um, is it okay if you take me back to our place?" 

Sooyoung had an idea. "Have a sleepover. At mine." 

"A sleepover?" 

"Yeah," she bit her lip, "it'll be fun." 

"I don't want to intrude on Haseul and Kahei though, how would they feel about one?" Her friend was so considerate, it just made her cuter in her opinion. 

"They won't be home, so don't worry." 

"They're going out too?" Noticing how low her voice had become, she closed her eyes for a second. 

"Yeah. Come over Jiwoo." 

"Okay. Thankyou Sooyoung-ah." she answered quietly. 

Her lips quipped. "We can eat ramen, if you want." 

"I like ramen." 

"Good." More than ever, she wanted to see her. 

Changing the subject, Jiwoo piped up. "You know what's special about tomorrow?" 

"What?" 

"Apparently it's going to snow." 

Endeared to no end, she encouraged her to talk about it more. "Why do you like the snow?" 

"I mean, who doesn't," she rambled, "it just means Christmas is coming and snow is so crunchy once it sets, and it also means you have an excuse to buy hot chocolate." 

She pulled a face. "Are you telling me you have hot chocolate all year round? Ah, what a deal breaker." 

"Well, lucky I'm not dating you then." she teased. 

"Yeah." 

When she eventually crawled into her bed, it was 11:30pm, and for once she felt tired enough to go to sleep. At least, if it weren't for Jiwoo running through her mind. She was always there, in one form or another, sometimes in her dreams, other times next to her, pinching her cheeks lightly and scolding her for not wearing a scarf. 

Sleep didn't want to come easy that night, she knew. Through her wooden blinds, the moonlight filtered in through, coaxing her, forcing her to think. Deep down, she knew she was forcing herself to stay in place because she didn’t want to spiral. 

And yet Jiwoo, out of all people, was unpicking the laws she'd laid down without even trying. 

The sinking weight on her chest came in bursts, making it hard to think properly. What would be the worst that could happen? Thinking of her wouldn't change anything about their friendship. 

"So what?" she whispered. This time she let herself think freely. 

Last Sunday, Jungeun had texted her. It was 9am (but then again she was always up freakishly early) and she asked her if she wanted to get brunch with Jinsoul and Jiwoo in a place called Grain. 

Half an hour later, and she was at their door. She distinctly remembered Jiwoo wearing a cute grey beret, and how her cheeks got so red, compared to everyone else in the merciless weather. Fuck. 

Recalling the amount of times she had touched her that Saturday, whether it was a hug and a stroke of the cheek; comparing the size of her hands to Sooyoung's or just them linking arms whenever they got the chance, she couldn't stop envisioning and replaying moments of them being together, In her mind, she couldn’t stop thinking about the moment when they'd overlooked the Han river. 

For once, Sooyoung asked if she could hug her and before she'd even gotten to wrapping her arms around her, she was already giddy and laughing brightly, like she'd offered her the world instead. Jinsoul was beaming, and told them they looked like a couple. 

The funny thing was, before she'd gone to see her friends, she wasn’t in a great mood. The day before they’d gone out, her aunt had posted a Facebook status of the whole extended family celebrating their son for getting into Seoul university. Logically, she knew she should've been happy for him but the event had triggered her enough that she was left erratic and slightly on edge by the time Jungeun had texted her. 

Even though Sooyoung sounded ridiculous, as soon as she entered the flat, it was as if Jiwoo knew. She'd hugged her so hard she could feel her heartbeat in her chest. Her friend was sensitive and stupidly intuitive, and when she hugged her, she was splintering apart. 

It was only when Jiwoo told her she loved her over a cup of hot chocolate that she broke. Embarrassingly, she said she needed the toilet, and then she sat in a stall and cried. She still had no idea why she had done so, but she reckoned it was partially because of how much they’d worked at their relationship since they became friends. 

The only problem was the dread in the pit of her stomach, as she realised just how much she liked Jiwoo. 

It was definitely more than a friend should like another friend, and even then she was skirting over the intensity of what she could be experiencing.

Fuck. 

Her funny feelings for Jiwoo were overwhelming her, so she tossed and turned in her bed, as if scrambling the  sheets could do the same thing to her memory. 

"I like you." she breathed out.

It wasn't a big deal.


	11. A nice night in

Entering the theatre with an air of purpose, she sought out her impish friend, who was wearing her halloween costume. 

"Hey orange imposter."

"Sooyoung! You remembered." She gave Choi Yerim a horribly smug smile before quickly hugging her. By now, Sooyoung realised that Yeojin would happily embrace anyone and anything. 

"Your costume was cute," she zipped up her helmet, "but just because Sooyoung remembers it, does  _ not  _ mean it's iconic. Hi by the way!" 

"Yerim is right," she shot the purple haired girl a smile, "I remember it because it was scarring - nothing else, seriously." They high fived and Yeojin shouted a muffled complaint. 

Furiously unzipping her helmet, she struck up a conversation. "Have you seen Yerimie's new dance she's choreographing?" 

"Yerimie?" 

"She won't stop calling me that." Affectionately, she patted her head, her eyes like crescents, and Yeojin's face lit up. She found it sweet that someone was actually endeared by the tiny devil. 

"Anyway, it's seriously amazing, - you should show her!" 

Modestly, she blushed. "Do you want to see?”

“Yes.” she nodded. 

“Okay! It's called Butterfly and its theme is based on female empowerment." 

“Oh, we definitely need more." 

"Exactly!" Her smile was a lot like Jiwoo's, impossibly bright. "I'll show you the chorus." 

"5, 6, 7, 8!" 

For the next thirty seconds, Sooyoung was stunned into silence. The way she moved was lyrical, her arms extended, knees bent, each move effortlessly fluid but punctuated by explosions of power. She was never off-beat, didn't have a tendency to overdance or under - instead gracing the performance with a fierce smile.

"Yeah! That's Butterfly," she was panting slightly, "We're planning to sprinkle in some of the moves into our next production, which I honestly can't wait for." 

Shaking her head in disbelief, Sooyoung praised her. "I understand why it's called Butterfly as well, you were like going through a metamorphosis with each formation.”

"Yeah, exactly,” she wiped the sweat off her forehead, “I'm glad you like it, I've worked hard on it!" The girl was glowing, and Yeojin was staring at her, enthralled. 

"Please tell me you're going to enter it into some sort of competition - seriously don't use it just for our productions." 

"Hm. I’ll think about it,” moving over to hug her, she happily let herself get embraced by the purple-haired girl, “Thankyou so much, Sooyoung!" 

"Hey Yi-kun! Yi-won! Hurry up and get here!" 

Whilst they bid their farewells, they rushed over to her group - her and her four sisters, King Cheoljong and her best friend. 

"We're on Act 4 scene 5, you didn't miss anything." Jindae informed. She had a hunch that his role as King Cheoljong - ornate in his bejeweled robe, jade belt, and winged cap - had given him some confidence to talk to her. She found it funny. 

Skimming through her lines, nerves bubbling inside of her like a cauldron, she used them to the best of her advantage. Sooyoung was onstage,

"Lady Jane?" Tepid, she was tepid. She could have slipped in between the cracks of the stone walls, fallen hard on the derelict land. 

"Lady Jane, your afternoon tea awaits you?" Fuck. Her tone was too questioning, too much fervour and desperation crammed into one sentence, like a man with an illness taking hold of his innards. Was this a trap? Too many men had been murdered under her command - death was catching up to her. 

"Lady-" 

A hand clamped her mouth. 

"Silence yourself child, what have I been telling you?" She let go. 

Gasping, she panted. "A man who waits for his own death must answer for it." 

Crouching down, her sister glanced at her, before proceeding swiftly, using her nails to pry open the wooden floorboards. Death was catching up to them. 

"Goodness me, I've found my afternoon tea!" 

Crawling out from underneath, were Yi-won and Yi-soong. 

"We must talk quickly, I pray." Yi-won was trembling, she could not tremble. 

"Tell me." She didn't need to envision their heads on spikes for the ferocity of her panic to seize her. Yi-won was still trembling, and Yi-soong slapped some sense into her. 

"Father," she didn’t tend to her swollen lip, "father has been caught. Yi-sung witnessed his execution in the town hall."

Time wouldn't stop for them. "Do we still have Kim Namsae?" 

"The eunuch has infiltrated the walls, as told." Yi-sung spat out. Whatever her sister said was always spat out. 

"Then until we can seize the Queen  _ through  _ the eunuch...we mustn't move." 

Yi-soong growled, her chest rising and falling in rapid succession. "We can't lie low. We have to do something  _ now. _ " 

"Be quiet child-" A wicked slap knocked her over, crackling in the air. 

"I'm not a child anymore. I implore you to listen, dear sisters," she snarled, "The Kim's are purging everyone in their sight to get to us, father is dead already, need I remind you, Yi-Kun. Our country is poverty-stricken, the living fall dead on their feet. So, even if we were to hide, our lives would either be bargained with by a sellsword, or we would whittle down until our bones turn to dust." 

Her sister had the nerve to disobey her and yet every word she'd uttered was true.  _ A man who waits for his own death must answer for it.  _

"Then we need another plan." The faint croaking of a raven told her she needed to hurry. "Which I do have." 

Yi-sung grabbed her arm. "Then say it." 

"Misdirection." she looked into her eyes, "Killing the Queen isn't good enough. We need to kill King Cheoljong." 

"Are you stupid?" Yi-won cried, "he's on our side." 

"We cut off the head of a buck and the blood comes rushing out. And by blood, I mean the Andong Kims." 

"What good will that do?" 

Her idea was formulating. "We use our eunuch, my dear friend Do-hyun, and the priest, to kill King Cheoljong inside of his church." Tears stained her sister's face. "Blasphemy in the eyes of God…" 

"Our Gods aren't the same." she snapped, "once the Kim clan use their best men to salvage the situation, we can then hold the Queen hostage, solidifying our power." 

Her hands were ringing. 

"My dear sisters, I believe I shall take my departure now." 

"No," Yi-won was grabbing onto her and she hissed, "I won't have any part of it." 

A backhanded blow and blood painted her mouth wine red. 

"You will." 

"And scene! That was incredible!" Suddenly, it dawned on Sooyoung that everyone had come to watch. Jinsoul was jumping up and down, her two high ponytails bouncing with every step. 

But her eyes settled on Jiwoo. Like usual, she was smiling brightly and Sooyoung smiled with her. She could give herself that much. 

"Sooyoung?" Jinsoul was asking her something.

"Yes?" 

"I really think you tied the whole scene together." 

Smiling so hard that her cheeks hurt, she answered her back. "Thankyou! But Hyejoo, Yeojin and Yubin were all so good in the scene that I slipped into character really easily. We worked off each other well." 

"You're right," Jiwoo added earnestly, and it felt like serotonin straight to her body, "I could hear the trepidation in all of your voices. Yeojin, you captured the essence of Yi-won so well, you keep on getting better each time." 

Blushing deeply, she bowed. "Thankyou so much." 

Shooting her a thumbs up, she continued. "Hyejoo! You added so much character to Yi-soong, so much snarling and stomping and unkempt violence that you delivered so well~ Ah well done." 

"Thankyou." 

"Yubin, your tone was amazing. I'm not just saying all of this so I can reward you all with compliments but when you silenced Sooyoung with your first line, I seriously got goosebumps." She tapped Jinsoul's shoulder as if to address her point, "you're so reliable and consistent and...and I truly believe that you can go on to be phenomenal. I mean it." 

"Ah, thankyou," Yubin blinked hard, "that means a lot to me." 

Jiwoo was still smiling, and Sooyoung's hands were clammy. She wished her Sooyoung propaganda could be delivered effectively at that moment. 

"Ah Sooyoung...Ha Sooyoung." 

"Yeah?" 

"I'll just have to see if you can live up to your reputation in rehearsals." The ghost of a smirk appeared on her face, and she rolled her eyes good naturedly. 

"I will." 

"Don't let me down." she teased, whilst a good few people chuckled. 

"I won't." She was such a brat. 

For the next forty minutes they were all pushed to their limits; no one was left behind wandering the stage. Chats about characterisation or debates about which acting technique was the best (she was an avid lover of Meisner), were replaced with acting, acting and more acting. Of course she loved acting more than most things, but tapping into her emotions so often was leaving her drained. At random intervals, the five main directors would cheer them on with shouts and the promise of visiting Jinsoul's villa again. And so they spurred on. 

When everyone had left, apart from her and Jiwoo, raggedly, she sat down next to her. 

"Hey." 

Facing her, she squeezed her hand. "We're almost there. Tomorrow, you'll be," she stroked her thumb, "one step closer. At least." 

"I know. But I'm so tired though." The words stilled in the air. 

"We're on the theatre seats now, right?" 

"Yeah." 

"Pull up the armrest on my right, Sooyoungie." 

Tiredly, she smiled and obeyed. 

"You can put your head on my lap now, if you want." 

If Jiwoo had seen the look on her face at that moment, she would've given it all away. Stupidly jittery, because she knew they hadn't been that...close since Halloween, she replied with: 

"The things I do for you, Kim Jiwoo." 

Suddenly, she was self-conscious about how heavy her head was as she rested it on her lap. 

"Are you okay?" Jiwoo murmured, her voice low. 

"Yeah." 

"You said you were tired." 

"Hm." And then all of a sudden, her hand meant to grasp hers, but she accidentally touched her chest. Sooyoung burst out laughing. 

"Shit!" she let Jiwoo figure it out, "sorry! Sorry! I was meant to be really calming, then I accidentally tapped your boob!" 

"It's okay." Her cheeks hurt from laughing. Looking up at Jiwoo, who was burying her head in her hands, she almost kissed her right there and then.

Rejuvenated, she clapped her hands. "Let's do this." Once they were onstage, and Sooyoung had put all of the props in place, they began, Jiwoo insisting on playing the every character apart from Yi-kun.

Closing her eyes for a few seconds, she opened them as Yi-kun. 

"Lady Yi-kun." 

"My Queen Yi-kang." 

The sight of blood wasn't there anymore. But in her mind, and on her clothes, she'd always know it as the Red Church. 

"Lady Yi-sung, and Lady Yi-Soong." Jiwoo called. Her heart wrenched as she limped further towards the Queen. 

Again, Jiwoo spoke. "Didn't you have another sister?" 

"Yi-won's dead." 

"Life is cruel." she said sincerely. Yi-kun didn't care for it.

"Lady Park, Sir Namsae." 

"My Queen." she answered back to herself. 

Kneeling down in front of the Queen, her feet muddying the stone steps, she clenched her aching fists.

"May I enquire something, my Queen?" 

"You may." They were so close, close enough to touch.

"Will we hang in the gallows?" The day was anew, and like always, she looked beautiful. 

"For committing treason?" 

"Yes, my Queen." If she died, then she could finally meet her sister. 

"You are pardoned, Lady Yi-kun," a deliberation, "and so are all of the others who have fought tirelessly against the tyrannical rulership of the Andong Kim's." 

There were tears in her eyes as she kneeled even further down.

"My good Lady, do entreat my eyes."

"All you will see is ache, my Queen. Too many are dead, gone, slaughtered and strung up in the streets like a pig's festival." Smearing blood and tears with the back of her tattered sleeve, she fell back down on her knees. 

With a look of infinite sensitivity, the Queen took her words into consideration. "I implore you to." 

Slowly lifting up her chin, she met her eyes. "My lady, you surprise me with your valour." 

Her breath hitched, "My Queen, I am but a coward." The Queen smiled, and she saw Jiwoo as she grazed her cheek with her hand. They were centimetres away. She was cupping her jawline, and Sooyoung leaned in closer. 

The last thing the Queen did was brush the tears from her eyes, before pulling away. Tentatively, Yi-kun handed over her sword, trembling. She loved her. 

Commanding them all to rise, she proclaimed: 

"Many men have fallen where you have tread, your faith beknownst as you hold Kim Seon-yung’s head, and now as life has been breathed back into our nation, in History, we will mark this as our coronation." 

"And scene!" 

"Woo!" On the balls of her feet, she jogged up to the makeshift throne, taking Jiwoo's hand as she guided her back down from the stage. They had done so well! And she felt free, energised, whatever you wanted to call it. 

"We're going to your house?"

"Yep. You like the bus, right?" She giggled because they were both in high spirits, just happy to be around each other. She hoped she liked her back. 

"Yes~" 

Wrapping Jiwoo's scarf around her neck, the scent unmistakably her _,_ they stepped outside. Gusts of wind blew their way and both of them were left to despair, their hoods blowing off of their faces in an instant,

And then came the crunch of snow underneath their feet. 

Forcefully, Jiwoo squeezed her arm. "Snow?" she asked hopefully, like a kid on christmas, "Sooyoungie, is this snow?" 

"Yeah!" she laughed, "Jiwoo! take off your gloves and hold out your hand." 

Doing as told, Jiwoo outstretched her hands, and she watched intently as her face burst into a smile so joyful, she didn’t know what to do.

Laughing like there was no tomorrow, she squeezed her hands, jumping on the spot with a spring in her step. "Snow is here! I told you Sooyoung, I told you!" 

"You're so cute." Jiwoo stuck out her tongue and butterflies erupted in her stomach. 

"There are clumps of snow, aren't there?" Hope edging into her voice. 

"Yes! Do you want to touch it?" 

"Fuck yeah!" Hearing Jiwoo swear was so foreign to her, but it was so amusing to her all the same.

Outside of the theatre, there was a small patio, but throughout the day it had been obscured by a thick layer of white snow. 

"We're right outside of the theatre, there's some clean snow here. Crouch down." 

Shivering in anticipation, they knelt down. 

"Where's the snow?" she pouted. 

Taking her hand, she gently placed it on the bed of snow. She smiled. 

"It's so pretty." 

"I know." 

"I love you." she had said it so quietly, the words almost snatched away by the wind. But Sooyoung heard. And her resolve was cracking.

"Why'd you say that?" She was still staring.

"What do you mean?" she laughed, "I love all of my friends, I have to say it." She broke at that and her eyes were teary because she couldn't help it. "I love you too." 

"Good!" she rubbed her hands together, thawing them. 

"Should we go to the bus stop?" she tried to think. 

"Yeah," they linked arms, "can I ask you for a favour? 

"Sure." 

Her own hair blew in her face, and she tried to smooth it down. Howling. In the blizzard they were in, the wind was howling. Bellowing loudly enough that their voices had risen to shouts. She wanted it to stop. 

"Do you mind," she tried to signal, "holding my cane until the bus stop, Sooyoung? My hands are-" 

"It's okay," she asserted, "I'll take it now!" 

"Thankyou!" 

Adults amongst children were crammed on the 451 home, all of them sardines in a tuna can. The result was a tumultuous uproar; even the bus driver was chattering, just to thaw his frozen lips.

Outside, the streets were in a state of gaiety, bright department store lights and various food stalls suspended in a state of temporary surrealism. The snow kept on falling, and falling and falling, and Sooyoung's mind kept on replaying Jiwoo touching snow, grabbing it in fistfuls, like she couldn't believe it was there.

The bus stopped, and strangers started conversations with each other; soon, they were outside of her apartment. Jiwoo had started to talk again, rambling about how exciting it was that she finally got to visit her home. By the time she unlocked the door, she'd begun to feel the excitement too. 

"Our apartment is pretty small….but cosy?" 

"You're right," she wiped the snow off of her sunglasses, "it's so warm here." 

Her friend was mid-way through taking off her jacket when abruptly, she stopped dead in her tracks.

"I smell banana bread." 

"Banana bread? Where?" 

"From up ahead." 

Taking her into the kitchen (the counter was oddly spottless), she grinned. "I think you just want some. Do you want to make-" 

Resting on the stove in plain sight, was a beautifully baked banana bread loaf, golden brown, with caster sugar sprinkled on top. Unfortunately, her blood ran cold at the sight of the note next to it. 

_ Dear Sooyoung,  _

_ since you couldn't stop talking about your friend, Jiwoo, we made you both banana bread on your date. Love you xx _

Had she been that obvious? She was embarrassed. 

"Guess what?" 

"You have banana bread?" 

"Haseulie made it for us."

Playfully, she ran a finger down the length of Sooyoung's arm, smirking. She said playfully because she wouldn't have been able to deal with it otherwise.

"Ah, so you clearly talk about me a lot to Haseul," nothing could've prepared her for Jiwoo rubbing the back of her neck, "don't you~" 

Like she had been electrified, she moved away in an instant. "Don't flatter yourself. Haseulie just knows I love banana bread." 

"Okay," a smile sprang onto her face again, "but can I please have some?" 

"No~" she adopted her normal tone of voice, like she wasn't reeling from Jiwoo's hands around her neck. She tried to scrub away the guilt that was starting to seep in, knowing she liked Jiwoo. Imagining them holding hands was okay, even dates were harmless ideas , but kissing her; thinking about her pretty hands raking her back; pinning her wrists over her head if she wanted her to - those thoughts were a breach of their friendship.

"Wait why not?!" Her shriek brought her down to earth. 

"Ah! Jiwoo! You're a loudspeaker I swear to-" 

"You depriving me of banana bread is like depriving a baby of milk," she ranted wildly, arms flailing, "It just doesn't work that way!" 

"We're having dinner first. Aish, my ears are blown out." Perking up at the sound of 'dinner', she clapped.

"What are we having?" 

"Ramen! Do our conversations mean nothing to you?" 

Crossing her arms, she huffed. "Of course they do, Sooyoungie, who do you think I am?" Restraining herself from kissing her on the forehead, she pointed at the table behind them, but then remembered she was blind. 

"I think you're an annoying friend." she stated, "Anyway, sit down and enjoy the ride because I will make you the best ramen you've seriously ever tasted." 

Pulling out a chair for her, she made sure she didn't bump into anything, before sitting her down. "You're having dinner too, right?" 

"Banana bread, baby." 

"No, no," her eyebrows were furrowing so much they moved with her bangs, "you're having dinner too."

Rolling her eyes, she started preparing the boiling water. "I usually don't have anything heavy after nine." 

"Eat, or I will spoon feed you, and trust me, that's something you don't want to see." Her threat hung in the air. 

"Don't worry, I eat properly." 

Refusing to back down, Jiwoo changed tact. "Please eat with me. I’ll enjoy my food better that way." 

"Ah! Fine." 

"Yay!" 

Whilst the shiitake mushrooms were stir-frying, they talked about nothing in particular, just enjoying each other's company. Jiwoo wanted to play some music, and insisted on ‘Any song’ by Zico. 

"Do you ever think about how this song is about the mundane reality of ordinary life? Like how every day just passes on and being around others becomes draining?" 

"No…" Jiwoo bopped her head, "I just like the beat." 

"Okay." she laughed. 

Once her concoction was ready - an innovation called kimchi ramen - they ate heartily. Jiwoo thanked her and took off her sunglasses quickly so they wouldn't fall into her plate. She was beautiful. 

Drinking the broth, which was rich and oily, and horrible for her skin but she loved it anyway, she savored every bit of the soup. As stereotypical as it was, she didn't think she could ever get tired of kimchi. Judging by Jiwoo's little nods, she was glad someone else agreed. 

"I didn't know you were a chef." she complimented. Taking note of her empty bowl, her heart swelled with pride.

"There's many things you don't know about me." 

"I can't wait to find out." 

"Not if I don't tell you." 

Gasping, Jiwoo retorted with a: "Why wouldn't you?" 

"Every woman has her secrets." 

In a second, her easy smile was replaced by sincerity. "You can tell me anything, I wouldn't judge." 

"It's not that serious," she laughed, "I've only killed a man." 

They bantered until Jiwoo got to grips with her bathroom and how it worked. Twenty minutes later, and she'd come out with a towel wrapped around her head, and satin pink pyjamas, her shorts hugging her waist. 

"Jiwoo, you look sexy." she told her bluntly. Her friend spluttered, turning as red as the strawberries on her knee-high socks. Good.

Additionally, instead of back-handing her compliment, she seemed to grow more flustered than she already had been, shyly outstretching her hand so they could then lie on her bed. 

"We're watching La La Land right?" 

"Yes." 

"Finally." 

Before it started, she added, "Sooyoungie, you don't need to put on the audio-description version by the way, I've seen this film enough times." 

"I was planning on it already, it's not a problem." 

"Okay," she patted her leg, "thankyou." 

Everytime she watched the film, she’d partially forgotten just how good it was, which meant that a part of herself was revitalised every time. Especially with the musical numbers; they were some of her favourite parts. 

Despite her heart already pumping, nothing could prepare her for the scene where Sebastian started playing Mia and Sebastian’s theme. Instantly, she was taken back to her first day at Polaris theatre, when Jiwoo had- 

Her left hand rested on top of hers. 

"Remember us?" 

"Huh?" 

" _ Us. _ " Jiwoo said, pointedly.

"Yeah." 

"Good." The movie was still going on, but Jiwoo's hand had left hers as easy as it had come, and she was cold. She didn't say anything though. 

It was only when her thumb caressed her cheek, and she was touching her with such fucking tenderness, like there was no one else she loved more in that moment, that Jiwoo finally coaxed her into doing something. She wasn't sure if she was allowed, but feverish, her fingers grazed her satin shirt. When she traced the small of her back, urging her closer, Jiwoo understood completely and as Sooyoung sat up, her hands wrapped freely around her neck. She wanted her hands there, badly. They were barely touching, and she was so unsure about where the boundaries they had began, and whether her feelings for her could take it all away.

So for a moment, Sooyoung gazed at her. She loved how blushy she was under the dim lighting; not just her face, but her neck too, and she snapped like a coil. Moving to kiss her face, somewhere on her face, Jiwoo beat her to it. A soft kiss on her cheek. She was losing it.

"Sooyoung?" She was trembling, collecting her thoughts, her breath, the remnants of a friendship. 

"Yeah?" 

"Are you okay?" 

"Yeah," a short pause, "are you?" 

"More than." 

Shivers on her skin. She wanted her more than anything. 

And they were so close. 

But Jiwoo clutched her hands, snaking them away from her neck, in the process. "Can I put my head on your lap?" 

"Sure." she breathed out. Sooyoung was a mess. 

For the rest of the movie, with them both singing along to City of Stars (Jiwoo being a very amusing Sebastian), she felt like they were going to be okay. 

At least until the end when her friend started crying. Pulling the duvet over her head, sniffles turned into sobs, and Sooyoung started crying too. 

She found her under the blankets, and she instantly went to comfort her. 

"It's okay," her voice was thick, "they'll still be friends." 

"But they don't," she wavered, and she was choking on air, "they don't get together, that's the thing. They tried so hard for each other." 

She nodded, wiping away the girl's tears. Jiwoo muttered something but she couldn't hear properly. 

"You would?" 

"Ah," she blinked hard, "I didn't hear what you said." 

"Would you leave me for your acting? If they took you to Hollywood and were like," tears were streaming her face, "fuck. We're going to make a star out of you!" 

And then she kissed her. Jiwoo's lips met hers, and then there was a split second realisation as Sooyoung's brain caught up to her. What the fuck was she doing? Pulling away. She was hauling herself away, yanking the covers from over their heads, as panic engulfed her. 

But that was all before Jiwoo grabbed a fist full of her top and pulled her back in. The girl she liked had her arms hoisted around her shoulders, legs clumsily wrapped around her waist and she was kissing her fervently. She was kissing her and it was the same gasoline feeling again; she was burning up. She was rougher than she expected her to be but her lips were stupidly soft, and of course she had strawberry lip balm on, because she was cute like that and she fucking loved her. They pulled apart for a second, just because she wanted to believe she wasn’t in a dream.

"I wouldn't leave you." The words came out breathless. Again, Jiwoo was red, and she giggled, teeth and all, and she kissed the smile on her face. They were intertwined, legs over hips, hands on waist, kissing. There was no joke, she was hers. 

For a while, they kissed until their faces went numb and overwhelmed, Sooyoung decided she wanted to hug her. The other girl seemed to have the same idea, so they faced each other for the first time, their legs knotted together.

One of her legs was slung over her lovely waist. Jiwoo brushed the hair from her face and stroked her cheek. Her heartbeat only steadied as the girl slung her arm over her shoulder, anchoring them together. 

She was drawing patterns on her skin, smiling to herself. And in the next second, Jiwoo was curled up in Sooyoung's arms, her breath tickling her neck. They didn't let go, even when one of her arms went numb. 

"I can hear your heartbeat." she whispered. Sooyoung was delirious as Jiwoo kissed her neck, and she was pretty sure she existed only in the places where she touched her. 

"I didn't know hugging could feel this good." she said truthfully. 

She could feel her tilting her head as she gazed up at her. "How do you feel?" 

"Like I'm melting." 

She kissed her again. "Me too." 


	12. Banana bread

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end!!! We say goodbye to the play, goodbye to a lot of of pathways and hello to new ones. I hope you appreciate it. WIth all of my heart, bogoshipeo...

"Milkshakes." Sooyoung hesitated. With two full trays in her hands, Heejin's eyes widened as she quickly signalled to her, 'one second.' 

When she returned, she graciously asked another girl to cover for her, whilst she steered Sooyoung into the closet room as fast as she could.

The lightbulb flickered before it switched on and she swore she could smell the burning of asphalt. 

"I heard milkshakes, right?" Heejin's cascading dark brown hair, red lipstick and fierce glare all reinforced the idea that she was scary when she could be. 

Taking a deep breath, she nodded. 

"Shit…" she muttered, "I didn't think the day would come." 

"I know." 

"Tell me what's going on." The harsh lighting was beating down on her and she struggled to begin. 

"Um, how are you?" For that, she received a punch on the arm. 

"Tell me the details of your love life, Sooyoung." 

"Agh." 

"Come on," she smirked, "don't be shy." 

Collecting her thoughts, Sooyoung began. They didn’t have time to spare. "Basically I really like this girl, and we're friends but, um, things are complicated," Heejin was nodding along, "and I want things to go back to the way they were, when we were just friends." Instantly, her face softened, eyes wide and inquisitive.

"Okay. Tell me...first of all how you guys became friends. Because if you want things to go back to normal, you've got to find the root of whatever this issue is." 

In the last few months, she had been vulnerable too many times to count. She was starting to regret it. 

"We properly became friends after our producer forced us to." Heejin's doe eyes sparkled. "Why? Were you guys enemies or something?" 

"Yeah kind of." 

Her mouth dropped. "Oh? Okay. Hm. After a while you guys became more than friends?”

"Kind of,” she answered, "I first hung out with her and her friends, and we all eventually bonded a lot, and then at some point we started hanging out alone and…" 

"And then….?" 

Cringing, she practically dug her nails into her skin. "Man, this is hard." 

Heejin empathised. "That's how I felt like talking to you about Hyunjin at first. It's hard opening up." 

Managing a small smile, she teased her. "You guys moved so slowly; I remember I got so pissed when  _ both  _ of you told me you liked each other. Like you literally knew each other your whole lives, moved into an apartment together, only very briefly saw other people-" 

"Oh my god shutup!" She whacked her on the arm. "It's harder when she's your best friend!" 

"Is it really though-" 

"Yes!" She hit her again for good measure, "anyway! Talk to me about how you fell in love." 

Ignoring her comment, she mustered up the courage to carry on. "Um, basically I actually realised I liked her like three weeks ago, and then last Friday it all kind of exploded," she laughed out of the sheer stress of the situation, "when she came to my apartment."

Knowingly, Heejin nudged her. "What do you mean 'exploded'?" 

"We made out," Heejin nodded, clearly satisfied with the amount of gossip-worthy information she was being given. "but it was more than that!" 

"There was more?" 

"No, not like that," she panicked, "I mean we hugged a lot and she said she could feel my heartbeat and earlier that evening she told me she loved me but as a friend, and I'm just so confused." 

Reassuringly, Heejin put both of her hands on her shoulders, bracelets jingling.

"She's definitely attracted to you, so don't worry about that." 

"I want her to like me though." She mumbled. As an afterthought, Sooyoung hated how needy she was being.

She let go. "...Wait, how did she tell you she loved you?" 

"Ah," her hairs stood on end, "We were just seeing the snow, and she got really happy about it and said she loved me, and me being an idiot, I was like 'why did you say that', and she answered with 'I tell all my friends I love them'." 

"And then you guys made out?" 

Blushing, she nodded. "Consequently, yeah. But that was after a while. And I initiated it anyway." 

"Okay," she deliberated, "okay! When she looks at you, is she always smiling or giddy, like what's her character like?" 

"When she looks at me?" 

"Yeah." Heejin gave her a thumbs up.

"She's blind." 

Quickly trying to mask her astonished expression, she nodded sagely. "I see. Um-" 

"Why does everyone do that face, when they find out she's blind? Like, Jiwoo is the same as everyone else, she just can't see. That's it."

"I'm sorry," guilt was written all over her face, "you're right." 

"I'm not mad," she assured, "it just must be frustrating for her. Anyway." 

The lightbulb flickered, and a slow smile spread onto Heejin's omniscient face. "You love her. I can tell." 

"What? No. I just sympathise with my friend's situatio-" 

"I can see it in  _ your  _ eyes, at least," Urgently, Heejin grabbed her shoulders again, "you need to tell her. For better or for worse. Listen Sooyoung-ah, have you spoken since you guys made out?" 

They hadn't. Not like usual, anyway. Their fleeting conversations in between rehearsals had become stilted and awkward, and she hated it so much. It was almost like they'd reverted back to two strangers, something she swore she would never let happen. 

"Not properly," every word stung, "she's been avoiding me." 

"Look at me," Heejin hugged her tightly, "you've got to tell her your feelings. Clearly, that night muddied the waters, and there's no way you can pretend nothing happened, unless you want to remain awkward forever." 

"Fuck!" 

"Come on," she shook her, "you're Ha Sooyoung, you've got this, no matter what!" 

There were so many disastrous outcomes just waiting to happen. "What if when I confess, she gets stressed, and hates me?" 

"If she's a mature person, and you can trust her, she won't hate you for it." 

"Right." 

Sooyoung observed her for a second and realised the inconceivable conclusion had been proven against all odds - Heejin was right. As terrified as she was, she had to tell Jiwoo, and crash and burn for all she knew. 

Unlocking the door, her friend embraced her one more time. "Good luck Sooyoung-ah." 

"Thankyou." 

Her shift was over, which she was grateful for because working from 5pm onwards on a Friday night was a living nightmare. She didn't envy her friends at all. 

Speeding off to rehearsals, she arrived twenty minutes late - the play was already in full swing so she made her way backstage. Sending everyone an apologetic glance, she assessed the scene. Certain that it was Act 1 scene 4, the scene Yeojin had dubbed "daddy issues" she watched her intently. 

"Father, do you know where we reside?" She asked, a tinge of nervousness in her tone.

"Hanseong," he touched his chin thoughtfully before redirecting his anger back at her, "why are we in Hanseong! We were born and raised in Ganghwa-do, and you insolent wench drag me into the heart of  _ sickness _ and  _ death- _ " 

"Father!" she said sharply, but it came out as nothing more than a hushed whisper, "we are doing this because we love you, dear father. This is why," she pushed his shoulders down, "you must stay in this hanok for now." 

He was seemingly understanding, before vicious anger possessed him, and he broke out of all bounds to push her onto the floor. "If  _ love, _ " he mocked, "were not so fair, I wouldn't have the decency to protect you." 

Yi-won no longer had the strength to speak. "I apologise for my misgivings, father." 

"Good." He glared at her stonily, before he straightened his robe, "very well. I shall reside here for now. I would much rather spit my own seed, then wait around for your sisters. O curse me foul spirits! Why must you be borne of woman?" 

"I do not know, dear father, I am your seed." 

Striding up to her, he grabbed her face. "And reap it, you shall." Impressed by just how quickly Yeojin improved with each session, Sooyoung sank into her seat. 

"We're up next." Jisung was bouncing his leg. Fist-bumping her, he jogged to the other side of the stage. 

"Good luck." 

The solitary cry of a nagak sounded - the battle had begun. 

"Kim Honseol! Come out here!" Marching onstage, was another guard, and the bastards were advancing towards her unhurriedly.  _ A man who waits for his own death must answer for it.  _

Unsheathing her sword, she held back her sisters. It wasn't heroic or self sacrificing - it was their only chance of survival. Underneath the frenzied sky, God dragged the infinity of his hand over the wasteland. Brass horns and drums roared over the sound of her own fear. 

"For the crime you have committed, your head on a pike shall pay the price!" 

Their swords clashed and they fought. Kim Honsool was heavy-handed and heavier still when she slashed a line that rippled open the contents of his belly. 

"Men! Come out here now!" Kim Honsool lunged and parried against her own men and another one fell dead. 

"You will fall!" Yi-kun shrieked before aiming for his chest. She missed! And stumbled into the line of fire, directly in front of her three sisters. 

"Arms!" 

Park Chaewon, her dearest companion, had sliced his arms clean off. "Onwards!" Glancing backwards, she noticed, gravely, her sisters all equipped with swords - a mummer's farce since only one of them knew how to use one. 

"Hello ladies,” a wicked cackle, “I guess I've joined at the right time." Kim Soolhyeon. Wife of an aristocrat: revered for her cruelty. A ring of guards surrounded her from every corner. 

Grappling for sanity, she shook Yi-won. "You have to get out of here,  _ listen  _ to me dear sister." 

"Where do I go?" 

"To the stronghold, not far off from here. Take Yi-sung with you, I pray." 

"What do I do then?" Her lip quivered. It had dawned on her that she was only shy of 13 years. 

"Find the eunuch. If not, then search for the priest." 

"I understand." 

The guards charged. Jerking Yi-soong aside, she pointed her to Kim Soolhyeon and she understood. Slicing through the belly of the air, they sparred their way through groups of guards. 

"Our nation," she used her hilt to take down one, and then she twisted her right foot to slash grotesquely through the throat of another, "will not fall!" The daechwita was thrumming in her ears - it didn't give her time to be haunted by the slain. 

She had reached Kim Soolhyeon! Driving her sword down into one hideous blow, the woman simply ducked and swung her foot so violently, that Yi-kun didn't register falling.

In a second, she was on her, her hands constricting around her neck and Kim Soolhyeon was laughing. She was laughing so hard, she was soon laughing for air when she retracted her bloody sword from her innards. 

In a flurry, the men had gone, and she was left with the dead. The battle was over. And so was the scene.

Packing up to go offstage, her body still buzzing, she high fived everyone on their way out. 

"That was amazing!" 

"Dude yeah I know!" 

"I felt like I actually died, not gonna lie-" 

"The whole scene was so intense!" 

Last of all, she surprised Yeojin by hugging the tiny star. "You did so well!" 

"Ah! Who are you, and what have you done with my Sooyoung!" Chuckling, she complimented her, "I love you, you tiny imposter. Seriously well done - you're going to go so far in your career." 

"...You too!" she managed. 

By the time they had finished their second run through, it was pitch black and from the slanted windows, she could make out the snow falling. Jiwoo. Chest tightening, she searched for her bright smile when everyone made a beeline for the exit. 

A clamour of voices said the same sort of thing and she wished the same back: "You did so well, Sooyoung!" 

"That was amazing." More people. 

Yeojin was the last to leave. "See you on Monday?" 

"Yeah," she ruffled her hair, "I'll see you." 

Once she closed the door, the emptiness of the theatre was all the more apparent to her. She didn't stay to wait around. 

Bounding past doors and winding corridors, she knew where Jiwoo would be and thankfully, if she strained her ears, she could hear a faint melody from up ahead. So, like usual, she leaned against the door left ajar to listen. City of stars. 

Sooyoung was in too deep. She was wearing a tired grey hoodie, and tufts of hair stuck out from where she tied two low ponytails. She was in too deep and yet she made no move to turn back. For the life of her, she still didn't know what to say, or do, or how to love her without it being way too much.

Once she finished her piece, Sooyoung took a deep breath before speaking. 

"Hi Jiwoo." 

"Sooyoung-ah." Still facing the wall, she shut the piano. 

"Yeah?" 

"I need to speak to you." Her mental state was resting on a foothold. 

"Okay." 

Reaching for her cane, she shuffled up to Sooyoung. They then linked arms for the first time that past week. She realised, in that moment, that she missed her more than anything.

They would've trekked back down to the theatre, if Jiwoo hadn't told her not to. 

"Aren't we going back?" 

She shook her head. "Forwards." 

Trailing along the endless corridor, the journey oddly cathartic, they eventually reached a dead end. 

"There's a wall." 

"Left," she assured, "to the first classroom you see." 

Abandoning the harsh, artificial lightning of the right wing, they quite literally stepped into darkness. She wasn't sure if it was her imagination, but the floor seemed to slope upwards.

Sooyoung was increasingly confused, and her hands were a little clammy, and she was relapsing - her anxiety, once again, choking her up from the inside.

"Don't worry." She caressed her arm.

"Okay." 

A tilt of the head. "I think." 

Fuck. 

"We're here." 

Entering the deserted classroom where: chairs were strewn everywhere; the walls were peeling off in strips and the fact that there was an opaque exit door in front of them that glowed neon green, Sooyoung should've considered the possibility that she was going to be murdered. 

Not to mention, there were mounds of school books tossed carelessly on the floor, so Sooyoung tried to clear a path for them. 

"We need to go up." 

"What do you mean?"

Tapping her cane three times in rapid succession (once on the bottom left corner of the door; another time on Sooyoung's trainer; a last one sweeping the area in front of her), together, they finally stepped through the exit door. 

"Shit!" she yelped. 

What she expected was a classroom, but she was met with the outside world. The bleak weather juxtaposed by the falling of fresh snow.

"We go up these stairs, to the top." She had to raise her voice because the blizzard was ferocious.

"Are you serious?" 

"I go here a lot." she mouthed. 

Painfully slowly, but she wouldn't have it any other way, they clambered up a set of rickety metal stairs - the type you'd see builders climb whilst scaffolding. More scared than she let on, she glanced at her friend, who looked formidable in the harsh conditions - her cane clacking every so often until they had reached the top. 

Out of all of the places Jiwoo could've taken her, the top of a building that overlooked the city in front of her wasn't even in her realm of possibilities. There was snow on chimney tops and on balconies and it stretched as far as her eyes could see.

Her shoulders nudged hers and she drew in a sharp breath. "Did you look up yet?" 

"No." 

Although as soon as she did, she tried to trace every single star in the sky.

"I can hear you laughing." Jiwoo smiled, her nose scrunching up. There was snow on her face, on her hoodie, and it occurred to her that she was probably freezing. 

"I love the stars." she remarked, a tinge of unhappiness edging its way into her voice. 

Jiwoo frowned. "Why do you sound so sad then?"

"Because you can't see them." 

A look of surprise adorned her face and despite everything, she still had the urge to kiss her. 

"I wish I could see them. So that you could be happy that I was seeing them." Her sincerity, the type you get maybe three or four times in your life, made her feel like there was no one else she cared about more.

Laughing, so she could discreetly choke back tears, she struggled to answer. "That's...that's nice of you." 

The world was silent for a while as they took their respective places next to each other, not quite touching.

"My mother. She recently told me something." 

Sooyoung tilted her head. "What?" 

"She-" Jiwoo coughed and immediately she moved to drape her thick winter jacket on her. "Can I take your cane for a second," she explained, "so I can put my jacket on you?

"Hug me instead." Her sincerity had resurfaced and in an instant, Sooyoung was at her side attentively, engulfing her shaking body with her oversized jacket. She hoped she couldn't hear her heart thudding as Jiwoo returned her love, this time around, with a hand on hers. The only way she could explain how being with Jiwoo felt like was, it was as if a part of Sooyoung belonged inside of her and the more they touched, the more herself she felt. The intensity scared her.

"Carry on. About your mother." 

"Okay," a beat, "she, um, basically told me that her and dad cried a lot when I was a kid, obviously because I'm blind and they didn't know how to deal with it," she played with Sooyoung's fingers nervously, "and that story reminds me that no matter who I'm with, whether they love me or hate me or just don't know me, I'm still a burden." 

"You're not a burden." she said reflexively.

Squeezing her hands, she laughed. "That's because you're not around me full time. Look, Sooyoung, I'm almost solely reliant on others," she rambled "I need braille labels for anyything I wear; I have to wait for my friends to come home so they can always cook dinner; I can't do anything fun with them either because drinking gives me anxiety. And that's only scratching the surface." 

She planted a kiss on the back of her forehead. None of it was fair.

"Yeah," she nodded, "it's not like I hate myself for being blind, but it's just a part of me that I'm trying to accept." 

How could she take the pain away? All she could be was her friend. 

"I wish I could help," she hated how shaky her voice was, "Let me take half of your pain, at least. It's not fair, let me take half."

Putting her sunglasses away, she wiped her eyes. "Ah Sooyoung." 

And then she asked her something.

"Do you love yourself?" 

"That," she chattered, "that's a hard question.” 

For a while, she was content with staring at the night sky, or the city covered in snow, or at Jiwoo. “I'm sort of coming to grips with liking myself. Anyway." 

"Why do you need to come to grips with it?" she was forthright, protective.

"Ah Jiwoo~ you really want to find out about the real me, don't you!" 

Shaking her head, she swore she heard her pout. "You don't need to answer if you don't want to." 

"It's okay, it's not that uncomfortable." 

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable!" 

Kissing the back of her head again, she dispelled her anxieties. "All hard things are a little uncomfortable."

"That's true." 

Starting off apprehensively, even though she knew she could trust Jiwoo, a laugh bubbled up inside of her. "My parents!" she was feverish, "they hated my love of theatre so much. Seriously, you know that guy from dead's poet society who wanted to be an actor but his dad was like fuck no, that was my situation at sixteen." 

"That's not good." she croaked.

"Hm," her raucous laughter broke off into small chuckles, "when I got into Sungkyunkwan university, my parents, well, they were exhausting their patience with me," inhaling deeply, she continued, "after I came out to them as lesbian, they officially disowned me, which is crazy to think about because you shouldn't ever do that to your child, you know. But I half expected it anyway." 

Throughout her short retelling of her adolescence, she hadn't noticed that their hands were wet. And then the penny dropped. 

"Wait, are you crying? Jiwoo?" Sure enough, she could feel her choking back sobs in her arms. Sooyoung's vision was growing blurry. 

"You don't deserve this," she was openly crying, breaking, "at all. I love you so much, I want you to be happy with me, you know that." She didn't. 

Jiwoo started doing some vocal runs to get rid of the tears in her eyes. She didn't say a word. 

"I love you, I don't say it enough." She smiled but being around Jiwoo was enough to set her fucking alight in all of the wrong ways. Nothing could change the fact that she still wanted her more than ever and needed to tell her.

So, finally, Sooyoung pulled them apart, draping her jacket over her. Where Jiwoo had been crying, there were splotchy tear marks all over her face, and there was snow too and she closed her eyes before intertwining their hands together. 

"Jiwoo." she wavered, "you said I could tell you anything, right?" 

"Yeah. Always." For the last time, she gazed at her friend. They were going to change and she was terrified.

"I'm." she wiped her tears with the back of her sleeves, but they were impossible to staunch. She forced herself, with every bit of her will, to compartmentalise all of the fear, the uncertainty, all of the fucking guilt she'd repressed. Sooyoung owed her that much. 

"Are you okay?" Stroking her cheek, Sooyoung shook her head quickly and placed her hand by her side before she lost it again. 

"I'm. Fuck." The final pause. 

"What would you say if I was in love with you?"

The world was quiet. 

Struggling for words as tears filled her eyes, she waited. 

“Fuck. Sooyoung. Didn’t you hear me? I’m too much.” 

“I am too,” her voice cracked, “that’s why I needed to tell you.” 

“Come here.” she beckoned. Stood in front of her, she tried really hard not to fall apart. 

“Closer, Sooyoung-ah.” And then she kissed her forehead and Sooyoung smiled through her tears.

“I love you.” 

“I love you too,” her heart ached, “and I get that if you don’t want to be my friend, that’s fine,” she blubbered, “I just wanted to tell you.” 

Their foreheads touched as her hands cupped her face. “Why wouldn’t I want to be your friend? You coming into my life is one of the best things that could’ve happened to me and I’m selfish, and I want you all of the time.” 

Sooyoung’s mind was a disarray. “But I’m in love with you, and you aren’t, that’s the difference.” 

“Sooyoungie," a sudden laugh, her safety net, erupted from Jiwoo. "I don’t know how to tell you this, but I am completely and utterly 100% in love with you.” 

She kissed her forehead again. “Are you okay now?” 

“Jiwoo,” she hugged her forcefully like she needed to believe she was there, “how the fuck are you so insanely calm right now?” 

A long silence stretched between them.

“I’m thinking about the amount of banana bread you’re going to make,” she smiled, “and how you’re going to teach me how to make it.”


End file.
